Foreigner of Reality

9

No matter how long it has been since we split, I can't help but think of what we could've been. I saw so much with us, I loved you more than I thought was possible from my broken heart. And even through the pain you put me through when we were dating, I loved you unconditionally because you were my everything. We never went on any big dates or any big outings, and I so wish we had. We never had sex; part of me is happy we didn't, but I wouldn't have minded losing my virginity to such an amazing guy. I thought I knew what love was before I met you, but I was wrong. I was only close to love once before you, he still has a large part of my heart, as do you. I've made peace with him, I wish I could do the same with you. I think it's because I saw how far out of my league you were that I was overjoyed to have experienced you. I want, so desperately, to find another guy like you. That treats me like the world, that holds himself to a high standards, that loves me no matter my flaws, someone with a future. Since you, nearly every guy disgusts me. It's like I'll never be satisfied until I met a guy with a personality that just catches my attention, someone who would honestly give a shit about me. I miss the thought of you more than you yourself at this point. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss the love you gave me. I miss the attention you gave me. I miss the happiness you made me feel. But I also miss your humor, I miss your mom and sister, I miss your puppies, I miss the fun times we had, I miss our dates, I miss the hike we took for our first date. I keep trying to get over you but it seems like no matter how hard I try, you won't leave my mind. I've tried sadness, anger, everything. I've tried to just be happy for you but I can't get over my own jealousy to do so. I partly hate myself for not just leaving you alone and moving on. You've already pushed me out of your life, in a way I'm happy you did so I didn't have to do it myself. But some nights I so badly still just want to text you and see how you're doing, get your opinion on anything, have you tell me a joke, I just miss the guy I loved. I need to push you into my past, I need to make you a memory and forget you, but I don't think I'll ever be able. I can't wait until you leave this summer, hopefully I won't see you again. I'm honestly so sick of jealousy and my sickening feelings for you. I just want to forget you. I wish you hated me. At least it would give me a reason to move on...