Foreigner of Reality

14

No matter how hard I would try to keep up conversation, I would never last long. Most days I felt broken far past repair. Some days I wanted to fall back into depression. People around me were dropping and falling and breaking. A few got hospitalized for their own self infliction, most never got help, some took their lives before they could get help. I'm not particularly upset with the kids who never got help, I didn't either. I was depressed, suicidal, anorexic, and self harmed. They always tell you to get help because you can't do it on your own. In a sense I agree, if you're going through shit please just say something. My problem was I said something multiple times to my parents, they didn't do anything about it. I disagree because I was able to fix myself all on my own. A lot of people think they can do it on their own, some can't, I promise it's not easy. It took me 5 years to get over everything completely. Unfortunately, something I developed after almost all of my "problems" went away was anxiety. Some days it's hard to say which is better. When I was in my awful, deep, painful hole I was just so sad and in pain all the time. I thought everyone hated me and wanted me to die. I never had solid friends, and what friends I did have were just as bad if not worse than me. I was horrible. But now with anxiety, I can't to talk to people I don't know, I can't voice my opinion in class because I'm scared of what others will say, I'm secretly very outgoing but because of anxiety I seem very shy, I have panic and anxiety attacks that can put me out of sorts for an entire day, every day I have a near anxiety attack, my heart is always racing all the time. I'm happy I'm no longer depressed, but anxiety is pretty awful. Everyday for the last 5 years has been hell for me, I won't lie. None of this is easy. I have trouble ever finding an outlet and I can't pinpoint a time when I was so innocently pure and happy. My soul has been scratched by reactions, punched by words, beaten down by my sexual harassers, and broken by my own self inflicted destruction. Yet I'm not here to accept and beg for your pity, I'm here to tell you that even though I feel like I'm being beaten down every single day by my mind, I'm still strong, I persevere, I never give up. So if you're anything like I was, speak up, say something, someone out there is willing to help you and support you. I still wish I had someone to help me when I was at my lowest points. So for me, don't let yourself fall so far that you believe suicide is the only option. Suicide is never an answer, it just puts your pain on someone else's shoulders. Love yourself.