Foreigner of Reality

13

I didn't used to be so closed off. There was a time where I didn't truly love the people I was with, more just the idea of love itself. I was able to jump around; I had a bad reputation. I didn't care. I loved acting all cute and innocent while I was dating 5 guys within one month. Looking back I hate that person that I was, but that's not the reason I'm not her anymore. I was broken 4 times in different ways, each time shaping who I am today.

The first is something a lot of people go through, I was cheated on by a bad guy I thought I deserved. He was awful but she was even worse. And that was my first fall down the rabbit hole.

The second time was at school, a guy I considered a friend forced me to give him a lap dance in the lunchroom in front of all his friends. No one stopped him, not even a teacher. That one was the first that actually hurt me. The first taught me I wasn't the only option in the world and the second taught me someone saw me as trash.

The next was a bit more severe, it was some pretty bad sexual harassment. At first I thought it was fun, I was fooling around and joking but I soon learned he wasn't. He would grab my upper thigh and tried to coerce me into go to his house. I was unwilling. He would grab and slap my butt anytime I wore leggings or skirts. I kept telling him no; he didn't understand the word no, he didn't understand that when I was ignoring him I was saying no, He didn't understand when I got asked to be moved I was saying no. I didn't get moved away from him in class. After it went on for too long I had to get the school involved, and the worst part? "Boys will be boys". He was never punished for his actions and nothing was ever done, the only resolution was being moved across the classroom. I still see him every day, his intrusive and invasive stare still hasn't stopped, it's been a year and a half. He taught me a second time not to be cocky, guys will treat you like gum on the street without a second thought.

The fourth started amazingly, my first love. He was everything and more to me, he's very frequent on my posts here on tumblr. The relationship itself taught me to love, real and true love, I thank him for that. But it's the aftermath that puts him on this list. He broke up with me because he said he got bored of me but after we broke up he used me more times than I can count. He has put me in the most painful situations at times, saying he still wanted to be with me before saying he wished he never spoke to me. Time after time I put faith into the idiocy that he would ever come back to me. He came for the attention and love I could give him and left when he got bored. In the end he said he was done getting his feelings hurt by me, he was done loving me, and he was done being used by me. All three things I wanted to scream at him so loud. He would mention dates we had gone on and things we did together, saying he missed us, then leave again without a warning. I call him the love whore booty call. All I ever was to him was someone he could text at midnight saying he missed getting coffee with me before putting me back into my cage, returning later next time he got bored and lonely. It's been 7 months since we broke up, I'm finally getting over him.

Guy number four broke my heart, while the others broke my character. He made it very hard to recover this time, they all did, but each time I get kicked to the gutter I come back 10 times stronger. So yeah, I got a few cracks and missing patches, but I'm stronger than I've ever been in my entire life. Fuck those guys, they can all go to hell for all I care. Power through and power on. It's worth it, I promise.