I hate being a want. Not a need
I have always had a deep deep desire to be needed but no one has ever succeeded that feeling of making me feel needed
I never have heard "Alinna I need you"
I've only heard "want"
I feel just like a toy that a child wants but not water that people die without having for 3 days
I've tried to convince myself I need to be needed, but if that was true I would still smile today
Feeling needed by someone is a need itself.
I know I am not a nice person and am extremely full of myself but trust me I want to leave myself and find a new human to enter and maybe people will start to appreciate me.
I hate the way I'm shaped, look, act, talk, walk, even breathe. No one likes it either. Cause everyone is just so nice until they drive you to insanity and get you trapped in your own head of thoughts that you can't get out of.
Deeply I am sorry if I fucked you up. I probably did. Since I am nothing but a worthless piece of shit.
I have a very thick shell and if you can get through it you are a need in my life. If you can make my heart cry for you I need you. But I'm never needed back.
I've always been one of the strongest. There for everyone when they need a shoulder to cry on. But when I cry. No one seems to give a damn. They think of me as the boy who cried wolf since I used to cry over not seeing my friends over the weekend.
Sometimes the most strongest are the most broken. But not many people care because I have been hurt so badly I don't even feel anything when someone breaks me. I have such a hard build up from all my suffering it's now just a thick shell and whenever someone hurts me you take off a piece the size of an ant.
I never know if I will ever be a need to anyone. That's why I feel like such a worthless person in this world. But maybe one day you'll see the real, damaged Alinna. Maybe you'll even see her shed a tear. But for now.
that's all locked away in my ice cold heart
