Stockholm Syndrome

41: Deep Breaths, No Thoughts

41: Deep Breaths, No Thoughts

How I ended up in hysterics yet again, I have no idea. But all of the fear just came flooding back. I woke up from my dream of being snatched from the sidewalk right as I recalled my head hitting the floor of the car.

When I sat up, I let out a scream of terror. Luke, who I assumed had fallen asleep in the burgundy chair in the bedroom he kept me in, was kneeling next to the bed in a heartbeat. The problem with this picture is he was trying to calm me away from the terror that he put me in.

 He hoisted himself onto the bed, crossed his legs and pulled me into his lap. I balled up my fists and tried to fight him, weakly hitting him in the chest. I know I didn't do any damage. He let me hit him for a while but eventually took my fists in his hands gently.

 My head replaced where my hands had been lashing and, like that cliché in books, I felt a wet spot forming on his white shirt. I didn't like the feeling of security that I felt in his arms. That's why I blindly dug my nails into my palms to distract my heart from the idea of safety. When I stopped whimpering, Luke began talking.

"Just take deep breaths." He instructed me. I tried but it was a slow process. "Don't think." He told me. That scared me. But with how fuzzy my mind was right now, I was able to do what he said. When he noticed my breathing settle, he gently pulled my head away from his chest. I guess he had felt my fists tense in his hands because he peeled my hand open to inspect one of them. I tried to close my hands again but he held them open and I didn't dare look at his expression. Instead, my head dropped onto his shoulder. He was silent for a moment. Then he spoke.

"Madeline, this drew blood." He said, his voice soft and deep. I sobbed quietly. Nodding.

"I know." I whispered to him, my head falling back to his chest. I had felt the sticky liquid pooling around my fingernails long before I stopped digging them in.

"This scares me." He rubbed my hand, careful to avoid the scratches.

"Nothing scares you." I protested weakly, grinning a bit.

"When you collapsed and I had to take you to the doctor, that scared me. When he told me you had anorexia, that scared me. You hurting yourself purposefully, that scares me. I don't want that to escalate."

"Have you ever been scared for reasons other than me?" I asked quietly, taking a deep breath.

"Do you remember when you were first here? When I told you about that bully, Billy?"

"Yeah." I nodded, my head rubbing against the shirt.

"When I dared him to have a staring contest, I was terrified." He paused. "Because it wasn't just my problems on the line. If I won he would stop hurting everyone he bullied. But if I lost there wouldn't be any way to stop him after that." He explained. I was silent for a moment.

"You never finished your story."

"Huh?" He peered down at me.

"You didn't tell me who won."

"Because you weren't ready." I felt his chest vibrate as he spoke and it was a comforting feeling. I kept my head down. I stayed silent, waiting for him to decide what to say next. Instinctively, I curled into him. We were both surprised but he just wrapped an arm around me and kept the other one on my hand, his thumb rubbing comfortingly along my knuckles. "I guess you're ready now." He gave in after I came closer to him. "I won. He blinked first. And he even admitted it."

"Did he stop the bullying?" I murmured, calming down a bit more. The sky was starting to lighten up but I don't think either of us would be that productive today.

"Yeah. He even apologized. We shook hands." Luke paused, letting it sink in. Then he added more. "Turns out he was my cousin." He told me. I laughed. I believed him but I guess he thought I didn't.

"Seriously, he was my cousin. A year younger might I add." He said. I could tell he was grinning.

"I believe you. I just think life is ridiculous." Luke nodded.

"Tell me about it."

"So why was I not ready for that?" I asked quietly.

"You'll find out someday." He promised. I groaned into his chest.

"How many parts does this story have?" I complained. He just laughed and pulled me closer to him. I would have pushed away but the rumble in his chest was still soothing.