Stockholm Syndrome

46: Kiss

46: Kiss

Luke and I sat silently at the dining table. He stared at me, waiting for me to eat. But my mind was too full to eat.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked quietly.

"If you take a bite of the eggs and a drink of the water." He dealt. I took a deep breath and cut a triangle into the fried egg, watching it for a moment as the yoke spilled out before stuffing it into my mouth before I could think about it. I took a deep swig of water afterwards to get it down my throat. I stared at Luke, he nodded, giving me the go ahead to ask my question.

"Are you ok with talking about a few touchy subjects? Just to get stuff figured out." I murmured.

"If you take another bite of the egg I will be." It was kind of him not to say a 'bigger' bite because I know he noticed how small a piece I cut. Baby steps. I ate another piece obediently, feeling sick to my stomach. This was probably the amount of food I had eaten all of last week combined. I had figured out that if I drank enough water I could last longer without food. "Mind if I play some music while we talk?" I nodded in approval. "Any requests?"

"It's been way too long since I heard any One Direction." I suggested. He groaned playfully.

"You're one of those girls?" He complained good – naturedly, setting up the speaker to play softly. He looked over at me and I shrugged, smiling innocently. "Alright." He gave in. '18' came on and my heart was happy to hear the familiar notes. It distracted me from the feeling in my stomach for a few moments. "I'm mixing some All Time Low in too." Luke informed me. I nodded, giggling a little. He came and situated himself back in his chair. "Ok, what do you want to talk about?" He asked, switching back to serious once again. I looked down. "Sweetie, I at least need you to start this conversation with your eyes up." From the tone of Luke's voice, I know he could tell I was onto a serious topic.

"We've kissed... Three times." My eyes darted back and forth from Luke's eyes to the table. He nodded, his hand coming up to his mouth and covering some of the black stubble growing.

"I know."

"But I don't think I want that." I told him. I tried to keep eye contact but breaking up with someone who I was never even together with in the first place was tricky. Especially when that person was Luke. He nodded again.

"I don't either."

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"Why did you kiss me?" He retorted.

"We're both at fault, aren't we?" I whined. He nodded. Both of our minds went back to the first time our lips had connected. "I thought I loved you. I was scared. I psyched myself into having feelings for you."

"I was scared too." Luke decided. "You were out of hysterics. We were having a normal conversation. I wanted it to stay that way." Good enough.

"What about the second time?" I murmured, looking down.

"That one's on me." Luke grunted. "My head was spinning a mile a minute and I couldn't think of how to get you to shut up." I shuddered, remembering how sudden it was. "And the last time."

"The last time, neither of us was right in the head." Luke agreed. "That was a traumatic day. I wasn't thinking right because of how dizzy I was. Because of how hard it was to keep myself from hysterics."

"I was worried about you. You were visibly shaking and then I just about had a heart attack when you took off."

"You didn't act that way. You always seem so calm." I complained.

"Because if you let someone else see that they get to you, game over. There's no more reasonable way to solve the problem. Pretending not to be emotionally attached in any way gives you the upper hand."

"Is this all about keeping the upper hand over me?" I whispered.

"Of course not." Luke answered. "I used that my whole life ever since..." He trailed off. I couldn't let him stop. I needed him to keep going. I needed to know something more about him than his age.