life n' such

alone

Why do I always feel so alone? I'm constantly surrounded by people, which should make me feel good but being around other people somehow makes me more lonely. I get it I never really fit in and I'm too afraid that no one actually likes me to try and participate but I still feel left out when my friends do stuff without me. I really need to work on that; I get jealous when my friends hang out with people who aren't me but that's  ridiculous they're allowed to have other friends but it still bothers me. I need more friends. Mostly because I'm a stupid attention whore but also because when my current friends inevitably move on I want someone to fall back on. I guess like a friendship safety net. I can't live without friends I don't why, but I absolutely cannot talk to my family seriously. Not that I can talk to anyone (that's why this book exists) but I can talk to friends more than family. (throwback to that time I said all my writing turns into "I'm sad and lonely waaahh" lol yeah) It's been awhile since I wrote this part but I never published it because it's gross but I've made some discoveries in the time I've been away. For thing, I've realized that I am the friendship safety net previously mentioned. Everyone has those great friends that they love being around and spending time with and then they have those other friends that are a great backup. I'm the backup. I think I'm okay with it though? I mean, it would be nice to be the main friend but being the backup means that people with always somehow come back to you, which in itself is a safety net. I have a sort of metaphor-analogy thing that I'm going to try and put into words that helps explain the safety net idea, I'll get working on that.