life n' such

numb // life updates

being numb is really odd. i think i enjoy but it's hard to tell because when you're completely numb you don't feel that. kinda, it's hard to explain. sometimes it makes me worry i'm a sociopath because when i'm numb nothing could make me feel anything. like, i imagine people i care about dying and i just see it as an objectively sad event, it doesn't upset me at all. don't get me wrong here, i don't plan on anyone i care about dying i'm just saying that it's weird to be able to picture it without feeling anything. i think it's pretty cool to be honest but also really really strange. i don't think that's a thing that should happen.

in other news i think i'm bulimic which is not cute at all. i spend a depressing amount of time with my head in a toilet, i repeat, n o t c u t e. its so much easier than starving yourself tho and i'm still p chubby so i don't think it's a big deal. i do now have acid reflux which is uncomfortable af and pretty much incurable and just not fun. i also kinda almost passed out while i was shopping w/ my mom today but i had to pretend i was fine bc that's not a conversation i wanna have. my boyfriend kinda knows what's going on but I don't think he realizes it's like an actual thing. he sort of thinks mental health stuff (depression etc.) can be fixed in like less than a day which isn't true at all. I don't want to worry him tho and whenever I try to talk to him about that kind of stuff he just wants me to get a therapist which I wouldn't mind doing but in order to do that I'd have to tell my parents and I'd rather put legos in all my shoes for the rest of my life. there's also the usual i don't have friends bs but that's like a constant except now they're kinda rubbing my face in it whether they mean to or not (I don't think they do). I'm actually trying to make other friends tho but i'm just not all that likeable or outgoing. And people that don't like me are already friends with all of the people who could be my potential friends so I'm chillin with dog. my dog def hates me as well but she can't talk so i can pretend she doesn't. 420;)