life n' such

updates ?

*i'm turning this into more of a journal type thing because i want to*

WARNING: XTREME OBNOXIOUS BRATTY COMPLAINING AHEAD

my birthday is in a couple days and that's p cool but everything else kinda sucks right now lol. I can't sleep anymore so I'm always tired and really short with people. I don't mean  shit so I'm just too scared to talk to anyone because I don't want to hurt people. Now I'm just hecka lonely and there's nothing I can do about it because it's my own fault. I'm also having a lot of body image issues at the moment and I kind of want to die. I lost so much weigh from cross country and I thought it would make me feel good about myself and it did but now I'm super obsessive about my weight. I'm constantly worrying about it and I literally have nightmares about gaining it back. Right now I'm super bloated and I feel fat and gross and it's making me really uncomfortable and anxious and I feel stupidly guilty about not running for a while. I don't just want to be skinny or lose weight I want to be healthy but whenever I lose weight I just want to lose more because the process feels so good but that's not healthy. It doesn't help that my parents keep talking about it. They always go on and on about how great it is that I've lost weight and keep reminding me that I need to start running again and how bad it would be if I gained the weight back. I know all of that is true but it makes me sad because the way they talk makes it seem like they'll be angry if I gain any weight. I know it's not true and I'm just being weird and anxious but that's what it feels like. I'm also breaking out which is WONDERFUL.  I wish I had close friends to talk to about this stupid shit because talking about it here is real dumb oh well. In short, I'm gross, fat, ugly, sad, and lonely but like more than usual. merry christmas !