Ronan: To the Moon and Back

39. Let It Go...You'll Never See Me Cry

TW

A week later, Raelyn finds herself sitting outside of Ronan's room on the floor, knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped tightly around her shins. She ignores the strange looks other visitors give her, dismisses the sweet nurses that offer to get her anything she needs. All she needs, all she wants, is for her brother to heal. Abruptly, a sharp pain shoots through her chest, muscles clenching, spasms, automatically releasing the firm grip her right hand has on her left forearm, bringing the palm of her hand to her chest plate. She presses down hard, as if this time it will actually stop the feeling.

Rae knows she should be use to the feeling already, it's been four long years, she's frustrated with herself that it still affects her the way it does. Nothing has changed about it, despite the amount of the pain increasing. It's the same tightening around her heart, almost as if the pumping muscle itself is claustrophobic, screaming for releasing, for air, for something. It seems to be getting worse, the pain, each day Ronan is still lying in that bed.

She still struggles with it, the panic attacks, the anxiety. It feels like she's drowning some times, being dragged down by the thing that haunts her nightmares, fighting for air, lungs burning for oxygen. Other times it's like her body constricts inward. Like a internal snake is nesting in her chest, weaves it's scaly body in between her ribs, around her lungs, coils over her heart. She was never chronic to panic attacks before. Never happened until she forced herself to suck up her tears, keep them in and bottled up, because crying about this, about Ronan isn't doing him any good. It doesn't help him, doesn't heal him. Tears are useless to her mother, to her job, to the other families around her. She feels like she has to be strong for everyone in the hospice, at least on the same floor. Has to be the strongest for her small family. She needs to be the hero Ronan sometimes think she is.

So Rae doesn't cry, not anymore, thanks to her father, but all because crying doesn't make her strong. When she starts to feel it begin to bubble in her chest, that's when the pain starts. The clenching of her chest causes her to want to try and rip out her heart just so she doesn't have to feel it anymore. She never thought that the absence of her tears would be physically painful. At times, Rae thinks her dried up tears, fuel and power the metaphorical sauna she's trapped in; steam fills up her lungs, overheats and suffocates her.

Vaguely she thinks in the back of her mind, the option of seeing a psychologist again like she began too that first year. Then she remembers why she had to stop going, and pick up extra shifts at Japser's just to pay for house bills. However, the attacks had been slowing down, and Rae knows the main reason why. Never before did she have someone to help her through it like she does now. 

Someone to throw her a lifeline, pull her to the waters surface, anchors her on the solid ground. To unwind the curling snake around her heart, to break open the sauna door. To let her breathe, gives her air to do so; to calm her, and all she can see is blue eyes among the shades of gray of her metaphors. 

Although the past week suddenly begs to differ, to prove her wrong, that maybe there isn't a beautiful, kind boy with those same blue eyes to help her through it. She knows why, why she's been trying to stop the clenching in her chest, why her breath cuts off. Ronan doesn't seem to be progressing.

The first time Raelyn was forced out of his room was just after his chemotherapy session. Ronan suddenly passed out mid treatment, vitals dropping dangerously low. Rae called out to the nurses, standing back and allowing them to try to stabilize her brother, frozen in her spot. She didn't realize how hard she had dug her nails into her chest, not until she got home that night and noticed scaly imprints from her fingernails. It continued like that throughout the week, ups and downs, and heart stopping moments. The last chemo session was the worst, left Ronan to pass out yet again, only this time after, Ronan could hardly walk on his own. His small legs wobbled horribly, then gave out, nearly crashing to the floor before Rae caught him.