Ronan: To the Moon and Back

45. And at Last I See the Light

"Are you missing him, RaRa?"

"Hmm?" Rae hums distractedly.

She doesn't want to pull her gaze away from the movie they're watching. She'd put on Tangled when it showed up on the Hospice's moving listings, excitedly hitting the play button. She tried snuggling in with Ronan on his bed, but he complained about getting too hot only a few minutes in. So instead, she sits in the rather uncomfortable chair next to his side. The movie has come upon the scene where Rapunzel is lead to believe Flynn has left her for the crown.

"Punzel misses Flynn. Do you miss Louis?" Ronan asks again, this time pulling her attention away from the movie.

Rae blinks at him. "I...yes." She clears her throat. "I do miss him, quite a lot actually."

It's just been a week since they all left for France, and Rae thought she was holding out rather well. She's busied herself with work, and the Hospice newsletter, taking more pictures and visiting Ronan. It's all the same really. It's like Rae went back in time, nearly a year ago before she even met Louis. However, she has been trying to ignore this awful pang in her heart whenever Louis does text her; tries to avoid that strange emptiness to her stomach. It's like eating a proper full meal, three courses, the works, but never feeling full afterwards. She just misses Louis.

If she allows herself, she can still feel the ghost of his lips on hers when she hurriedly pulled him in for a kiss. Can still see the helpless, almost hopeless expression on his face after his confession. It's like every time she closes her eyes, while alone in her room relaxing on her bed, she can see it all so vividly. Like the colours of Autumn, like a kaleidoscope pointing directly at the sun. It replays in her mind over and over, and that's when she second guesses herself. Should she have responded differently? Well, yes. Clearly if she could go back to the moment, she'd do much more than just awkwardly fish mouth her way through a response. But what would it have been, her response?

Would she have blatantly denied him? Or maybe just kiss him the way he's been kissing her; so soft, tender, gentle as if she's made of delicate glass. Would she have- and only if she had properly sorted out her thoughts and gave her feelings more than just a simple passing thought- said it back to him? That's when her heartbeat picks up, when her room begins to feel hot despite the air conditioning. When the stab of pain, of anxiousness, missing her chest and aims for her stomach, goes back to that emptiness. It's a full circle.

Like Ronan said though; Rapunzel misses Flynn. Rae misses Louis. Misses his smile, the crinkles by his eyes when it over takes his face, when it's sweet and genuine. Like when he's smiling at the children, or laughing at a horrible joke Harry has told. She misses the gentle touch of his fingers along her face, brushing hair away from her eyes when she's working on developing photos. Misses the way he seems to look at her with soft, fond eyes, a look at makes her blush even though she'd hardly admit it. She misses his warmth, his comfort, that fact the he seems to be the only one to fully comprehend what goes through her mind constantly. It's only been a week. She feels a little pathetic.

Rae shakes her head subtly, ridding her thoughts and grabs her coffee cup to take a sip. Ronan's attention returned back to the movie, or so she thought, when he voices his next thought. 

"Do you kiss Louis?"

Rae swallows her coffee down her air pipe at the question. She splutters and coughs, trying to clear her airway and regain her breath again. After a minute of heavy coughing, Rae pushes back the loose strands of hair that had fallen in front of her face.

"I'm sorry, what?" She asks her brother incredulously.

Ronan blinks up owlishly at her, his eye lids slowly reopening. He points at the telly, to the scene where Rapunzel had pulled in Eugenie for a kiss after she healed him. Rae's baffled by the seemingly innocent curiosity of a four, nearly five year old. Ronan is smart, always has been; always watching people and things around him with interest. So he's probably noticed the way her and Louis act around each other. Rae watches the end of the movie for a few more moments before deciding she'd rather not lie to her brother.