Ronan: To the Moon and Back

34. It Is What It Is

TW

The week following the New Year takes an unexpected turn for the Hospice, and though it's not as horrible as it could be, it's still rather bad. Several of the kids at Hummingbird are put on bed rest, others are moved into isolation and ICU. A twelve year old with leukemia is heart-breakingly all but imprisoned in her bed when just a year ago she was running around the football pitch as the starting forward. A young boy, only ten years old, is moved to ICU when his heart began to fail in the middle of the night, and is now hooked up to a breathing machine. Little Olivia is moved into isolation when she caught pneumonia just two days after New Years. Ronan, with tears in his eyes, asks his sister why he can no longer play with her. No matter how many times, however gently Rae explains it to him, he still doesn't fully comprehend.

All five boys are witnesses to most of this, and look on helplessly as Rae, once again, tries to explain why Olivia is in another room. They watch Rae hold her brother close to her chest every time they're there. Louis knows her so well already; knows that when she closes her eyes she prays silently for the other children, for Ronan. He knows the anxious look clouding her eyes is from horrible anticipation, like she's just waiting for the other shoe to drop- Ronan's shoe.

Louis' taken to silently watching her from the corner of Ronan's room. From the opposite side of the table during lunch, to when she's walking away to go to work. It's always the same. Rae will clutch once or twice at her chest then seems to remember that she's not alone and puts on that mask of hers. It's when she thinks she's alone, like when she goes to get herself coffee, does she let herself feel something. Louis sees her bring herself to near panic attack each time and before he can actually step in to help, to comfort and reassure her, she pulls herself together.

He knows exactly what she's thinking during those moments. He hates when she becomes reserved, turns into herself and allows her mind to take over, plague her with that nightmare, that dark shadow that steals Ronan away. She'll gnaw at her bottom lip, twirl a piece of her hair around her finger until its a deep red. Or quickly bounce her foot so her whole leg shakes with the movement, or just relentlessly claw at her chest. Digs her nails hard enough in her skin to leave imprints, scratches until her skin is left with raw crimson streaks across her chest plate, her collar bones. It's only when Louis finally, truly catches her in a moment of her storm-raging mind, does she come back to reality; to him. He'll squeeze her hand just hard enough, coaching her with soft caring words, until her eyes clear and she smiles back at him.

Louis' so thankful for the other lads, who all quickly understand the situation, and help Rae out whenever Louis isn't around. Liam catches Rae during the worst one yet. It's a Friday morning, gloomy and freezing when they enter the Hospice. They bypass Ronan's room, the door closed and blinds shut tightly.

Dread clenches in their stomachs and Louis hopes, prays, wishes, that Ronan is simply napping. It's on his mind most of the morning. On Harry's when he misses his line in the song they're singing. On Niall's when his fingers stumble over his guitar strings hitting the wrong chords. On Liam's when he actually forgets a lyric, and on Zayn's. Zayn is when he has to escape the second he ends the last note to head outside and smoke. By the time he comes back, half his pack of cigarettes are gone.

They've just finished visiting a young girl whose birthday is today, when Louis notices Liam sneakily rushing off down the opposite hall. He tries to lean around Paul to see where Liam is running too, but gets distracted by one of the Hospice's Board members thanking them for their time. Louis only half listens, catching bits and pieces of the Hospices funds dropping due to the new equipment they we're suppose to get but are now held off because of it.

Louis is just about to give his full attention to the situation when dark purple scrubs flash in the corner of his eye. The nurse is backing out of Ronan's room, sad smile on her face as she shuts the door and it clicks. Glancing warily at Paul to make sure he's occupied, Louis gives a hand signal and mouths "Raelyn" to Harry, who nods in response. With one more glance at Paul, Louis swiftly walks toward the hall Liam disappeared to.