And all Along It Was You

f o u r

AUTHORS NOTE:
Just wanted to say that for those of you who don't know this will be my only chapter up for a week because I am going to Florida for a week!
I even got this chapter up a two days earlier than I said I would, so that being said I worked extra hard! Leave me your comments and thoughts!
Enjoy!

Everyone left the room right after sinking my heart even more, but soon Matthew came back in the room and I traced his figure until he planted himself right next to me on the bed.
He cleared his throat before he spoke.

"I brought you some clothes and a towel, go shower and take care of yourself." Matthew said with a smile.

"Thank you." I responded back.

"The bathroom Is to your left of this room he pointed."

I nodded and went ahead
And so I went in the bathroom.
Turned the water on.
Glanced myself at the mirror.
The cold water started running and so did my mind, I couldn't keep myself from thinking about three years ago.

Matthew Gianni,

I want to start by saying that I'm sorry.

I know I've said it probably a million times but I feel like I need to keep apologizing. I keep saying it in the hopes that you'll understand all the things I'm apologizing for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that all the memories we made are now tainted with sadness. I'm sorry that when I had the chance I washed away our hopes, and drained away with them.
I'm sorry that I didn't love you the way you deserved at the time. I'm sorry that I couldn't really explain to you why I wanted to be with Brandon. I'm sorry I made the biggest mistake by leaving your side. I'm sorry that I waited so long to find you again in hopes that you would still want me? I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I gave up on us. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry that there'll never be an us again. I'm sorry that you're with her now, but at least you created a beautiful girl. If it wasn't with me. At least you did. At least you love her like you once did to me. I'm sorry i left you trying to find a new love where there wasn't any. I'm sorry I crashed your heart and shattered it with my own self. Ironic? How your heart is mending but now it's mine who's hurting.

I'm just so incredibly sorry.

You might not believe me, you probably won't believe me, but breaking up with you was worst I could've ever done. I did you wrong, and well, now I am wrong. It may have hurt me as much as it hurt you. I can hear someone in the audience of those who've had their hearts broken shout, "Bullshit!" I hear you but hear me, it's never easy hurting someone you love and I do, I love you. You didn't ask and I didn't tell you but here's the truth: I love you. After three years. I do. Still.
I know it was my fault we had to end and I seem like I'm begging for you at desperate measures. But I'm not anymore. You deserve the best and if I couldn't have thought straight three years ago. You deserve straight love. I'm sorry that three years ago my cloudiness surrounded me and I had to choose him over you. I'm sorry that even while dating you, I felt something for him.

Loving someone isn't something that just stops happening.
You were one of my closest friends, one of my best friends but after you recently appeared in my picture, you painted it with colors I've never seen after I moved on from you and now I don't know? Why is it that I still have deep feeling for you..
I don't know when it happened, I don't know how and I don't know why but my feelings for you changed. It's not your fault and it's not my fault either. It's three years ago's fault. For making me such an inconsiderate bitch. The sand in our hour glass just ran out. But now? I can't put all the sand back in.

I wanted to be a forever kind of girl. I wanted to be a girl who could promise you forever and mean it. I wanted to be your girl. I wanted to hold on to your promise ring until you came down on one knee and asked me to be the happiest. And I'm afraid to say that were we were going was a good place. I'll admit we came as far as a promise ring could take us. Even after those three years away from you, I still like to spend my Fridays and Saturdays reading a book in bed. Enjoying a nice view in front of me. That was you. You were my view. I still enjoy cuddling. I still love cooking at four in the morning with by my side. I still like to do all the things you always liked, the things that made you my soulmate. How we would talk about things in the middle of the night. About our future. Our three kids, our nice home. How I would wait for you until marriage. How you spoke honey to my soul. That was my favorite language you spoke.
How I would pretend to be asleep and you would kiss my forhead one more time. Told me that you loved me and stroked my hair with your gentle thumbs even when I was "asleep."
Where did it all go?
Right.
I drained our love and infused it with confusion.

You and I just were meant to be in the end and that makes me sad because I wanted us to last forever more than I've ever wanted anything. But I still chose wrong over right. I still left with him without warning your heart.
If you don't see it now one day you'll see that you deserve so much better than me and what I could give you.
After all these years I still look into your emerald landscape and see myself inside your eyes, of all pain I have caused you. I know you still feel something. So do I but,
You deserve someone who can give you the love I couldn't.
Someone who could understand you better than I ever did. Someone who isn't drowning in their own demons.

So I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I hope I haven't made you afraid to give your heart again. I hope you're not afraid to fall in love again. I hope that one day you talk about your future with someone like you did to me. Seeing you now, with your little four year old girl and fiancé. I think you've made up your future. I'm sorry for going with Brandon and telling you I lost love for you when I never did. It was the worse. Maybe one day i will forgive myself even after you've said it was alright. Because the problem is it wasn't.
It was the worse thing I could have ever done. Still you never lost interest in me. Still you came to rescue me and you didn't care what happened three years ago. And still I love you.

And I hope that one day you'll forgive me instead of just telling me not to apologize.
I still love you the same way I did three years ago before I ran away with Brandon and all of our possibilities.

Of all things, these were things I could never say to Matthew in the eye. Not without breaking once again. All of these things in my head were going to be the death of me. I felt like I was in here drowning with my never ending demons. Maybe I would shower all of these three years away and go running back to his charming arms and his cheesy jokes that only I would laugh about. Or the irreplaceable moments I lived with him at the lake. How his parents lit up when they saw my face. How our church Priest would always say to come back for our wedding.

Mathew has such a vulnerable soul with a genuine heart to it. I love him so much, but it's too late, i've lost him and I have to help my heart say goodbye.