I'm A Walking Time Bomb

Nine

    Colby had ended up joining us and he was going to be vlogging me getting tattooed. We had just finished lunch at In-N-Out and were headed over to a tattoo shop. I was standing in the middle of the two boys while we walked because it wasn't too far down the road.

    I was still thinking about where I wanted it or what I wanted when we walked in, and that's when it clicked. "Hey, what can I do for you?" a man that sat behind a desk asked. I gave him a smile and walked over "I was going to be getting a tattoo on my wrist" "of what?" "Umm.. C-could I sketch it for you?" he nodded and handed me a little sticky note bad and a pen so I leaned against the glass counter and started to draw it.

       Within the next ten minutes, I was setting in a tattoo chair and the same man was going to be tattooing me. Aaron stood on the side I wasn't getting tattooed while Colby sat in front of me, recording while we talked. Aaron said he had to go do things when we got back so I was just going to hang out with Colby because Justin also had things to do.

     Soon we had gone home and I couldn't stop staring at my wrist that was covered in cling wrap. Aaron left after changing so I sat in the living room after he kissed my head to leave. Colby wasn't talking, he was on his phone and I was just looking at the ground while rubbing my head.

                                                                                 My bald head.

     After a while I pulled out my phone and started looking on Instagram. All my friends back home were getting married or had gotten married, and I'd never experience that. Ever...

     I hated it, it wasn't my fault. But I guess it's hard to love someone you know is going to die. I quickly got over on Twitter and said 'Even now I know I'll die but I want to get married. It's not my choice I won't be around long enough for anyone to love me' and quickly posted it while going up to Elton and Aaron's bathroom. I shut the door and slid down the wall in front of the counter.

     I didn't want to set by Colby and risk crying. A lot of people were re-tweeting it, commenting, or liking it. I noticed a few likes that made me nervous. Aaron, Justin, Colby, and Kat did. Which made me extremely nervous. I leaned up against the wall while I sat my phone down and started to silently cry. I wasn't happy, and I never would be. I don't want to finish the list, and I won't be able to.

     Because getting married and having children is on it.. I had gradually gotten louder while crying and had my head tucked into my knees. I knew my phone was back on my friends wedding photos, because that's when I started crying.

     After about ten minutes I heard the door open and I couldn't bring myself to look up. But, I did hear someone slide down beside me and wrap an arm around me. It wasn't Justin or Aaron... They put my head in their chest and I just cried more, clinging onto their shirt. "Come on, let's go downstairs" I didn't move as Colby got up and after a minute he reached down and picked me up by my hands and then picked me up by my waist and hoisted me over his shoulder.

     I was sat down after a minute and then Colby pulled me close to him again while putting the blanket I brought down earlier on me and just rocked us while I still cried.

      After about an hour, I had stopped crying and Corey and Devyn were home, but they were upstairs. "Is this about your post?" I nodded in his shoulder and he rubbed small circles in my back. "Then get married. I'm sure someone would love to marry you, Beverly" "If it's not love I don't want to get married" I replied. He sighed and rested his head on mine.

     After a minute the door opened and I heard my brothers laughter along with Sam and Aaron's. I stayed there on Colby. "Bever- wow what's going on?" I didn't reply as I just wrapped my arms around Colby's waist. I didn't feel like talking. "Beverly, let me up. Sam's gonna sit here. I'm gonna go talk to Justin and Aaron, alright?" I slowly lankly pulled back and he got up, the couch sunk down again but behind me and a hand rested on my back. I spun around and sat Indian style while looking at Sam.

     "It's not fair" I whispered. He moved over and put an arm over my shoulder. I didn't really lean into him. He was dating my best friend, but I still wasn't that close to him. While setting there, I just started to sing Far From Home by Five Finger Death Punch. The song meant a whole let to me, in a few different ways.

       Home wasn't a family, it wasn't a house. It was death. Six feet below. For some reason, singing the song always made me feel better. I didn't understand it and I didn't care to. As long as it made me feel better.