TCC [h.s.] ✔

unrequited feelings & uncomfortable dates

I know he's older than me but sometimes I think that maybe our souls are the same age. The worst thing about having a teacher crush is that we know there's no chance to be with them romantically but we keep hoping anyway and it kills us a little bit every time we see them.

~ Anna

Once I posted that, I sighed, overthinking everything again and all over again. These weeks during finals have been a living hell without seeing him, since he stopped sending me messages a while ago, and I was stupid enough to not answer them when I had the chance to do so.

I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is to be with someone.

I got attached because he made me feel like someone, when I used to be like no one since all guys my age used to ignore me before I even met him.

I hope we stay friends after I graduate and we continue to laugh and joke. I don't even care if it's not romantic, I can't fathom not being around him.

Since we finished finals not long ago, that meant there wasn't long before our graduation and I swear I feel so stupid. He already told me his plans to that night, and I fucked it up.

"You know, I wanna take you on a serious date that night, Anna," he said while we were laying on his bed, his sheets messed up because of our previous actions, actions that proved me I wasn't only a quickie for him.

Satisfied, I murmured a quiet "I would love that" and kept my eyes closed, not really hearing what he was saying. But I knew then that moment will be burnt in the back of my head. 

Curious, I kept asking, although I was still very very sleepy and not 100% conscious.  "How are your dates?"

He seemed confused, "I beg you pardon?"

"I mean what are your dates like? Like are they formal? Or very casual like taking someone to McDonald's?" I laughed a bit after saying that.

"What matters to me is I'll be taking you to a nice restaurant, I'll seduce you like I have never seduced a woman before and then I'll make love to you all night. And all morning if you can handle me, of course." He chuckled before pecking on my lips and my nose.

I opened my eyes, feeling my cheeks blush because of his words and smiled at him. I actually felt my chest was about to burst from happiness. 

"Then I believe I'll say yes, Mr Styles."

Remembering that did not do anything but kill me a bit more inside. I was so stupid to let him go that easily. I did not even remember anymore why I was mad at him. 

And suddenly my plans on trying something with Alex didn't seem like a good idea. But it was too late. Our date was in an hour and I could not tell him so suddenly I did not want to go out with him. So I decided I'll go and tell him how sorry I am for messing around with him. I was hoping he could forgive me for being such a bitch. And I also hoped Carissa stopped being hypocritical with me. 

When I was nearly ready for the date, I grabbed my phone pushing it in my purse and after a last look in the mirror and brushing my hair, I told my mum I was going out. 

After telling me not to get home too late, I headed out really nervous and feeling like I could poke any time. Breathing in and out a few times, I started to feel better and thought this could go well and everything would be alright.

After a few minutes walking, I saw Alex waiting for me sitting, talking to someone on the phone. Before long, I regretted being there and when I was to go back home and call him telling I was sick, he saw me, and it was too late already. 

I smiled weakly at him, feeling really bad for being there again not really wanting to be. The things he made me feel was nothing compared to his uncle, which annoyed me. I really wanted to get over him but at the same time all I wanted was making my dream come true of being with him, all I wanted was this chest pain to end. 

All I wanted was Harry next to me.

"Hey, is everything ok?" Alex asked me, worry reflected in his face. I even felt worse.

I chose not to lie. "No really to be quite honest," I started slowly. "I only called you because I was feeling sad and thought... and thought seeing you would make me forget, but turns out that doesn't work that way." I finished, sighing. 

"I really like you, Anna. I just told my uncle Harry you are a really special girl for me and I was here to not lose you again."

He did... what?

"Excuse me?" I wasn't sure I heard well. 

"Yeah like..." he seemed nervous as he spoke. "Like I want to date you. And I want you to be mine, Anna."

Now for real, I wasn't sure I heard well. This was a mess.

"I-I can't," I mumbled. I was trembling and about to cry. What have I done?

He seemed disappointed as he looked everywhere but me. I would be, too. "Oh, I understand." 

But I felt like shit because I knew I got his hope up when I shouldn't have done it. And felt even worse because now Harry thinks I was on a date with his relative because all I did to approach him was to get to his niece. 

I was a mess. 

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