Call Me Hopeless, But Not Romantic; h.styles

Chapter 20

Addie

Avoidance; it was the strategy of cowards and Harry's actions spoke volumes about who he was as person. I hadn't talked to him since he took me back to my room on Sunday - that was five days ago. He'd had plenty of opportunities to swallow his pride and talk to me, but cowards hide away from themselves and from everyone else. If we were hanging out at their house, he was in his room. If we had plans to meet up at the café after classes, he wouldn't show. Except when we met there Monday afternoon—he showed then—but he was silent and broody the whole time. He kept his eyes trained out the window, pretending to be interested in the lifeless outside world. He muttered just about two words the whole time we were there — none of them directed towards me.

I didn't like to think I had given up; I had just more or less gotten the message. I wished I had gotten it sooner though, before the confusion and feelings disguised themselves as hope and snuck their way in.

I couldn't convince myself I didn't want Harry but I did promise myself I wasn't going to act like him. I wasn't going to be cowardly and hide from my problems - that had never been and never would be me. It was Friday night again and I was glad; I needed a drink and I needed fun. That was exactly what I was going to get at the party tonight.

Harry

Someone once said, "We numb our minds and hearts so one need not be broken and the other need not be bothered." That's exactly what I was doing. Not for myself, but for Addie. I couldn't care less if I hurt myself, I just didn't want to ruin the beautiful person she was. I knew that's exactly what would've happened if I would have listened to the little devil on my shoulder. He told me to be selfish and get out of her what I could. He and I both knew I would end up draining her.

For a second, the idea of being happy with Addie crossed my mind, but I shoved it aside as quickly as it surfaced. We could never be happy, not truly. We might start out happy but we certainly wouldn't end that way. I'd end up tearing her down in the long run because I'm a monster; it would be the same thing that had happened with Molly.

I had enough guilt on my shoulders with how I left Molly; I couldn't worry about trying not to do the same thing to Addie. That wouldn't be fair to her—I'd be putting all my attention into trying not to hurt her. I wouldn't be focused on her or the relationship like I should be; that is what would end up demolishing her: me trying not to hurt her.

Addie

"You up for a drink, babe?" Louis called over the music. I had just walked into the kitchen, looking for something of alcoholic content. My mind was racing but blurry at the same time and I couldn't form a coherent thought. Normally, that would be a sign in itself that I didn't need to drink but I was looking past that tonight. I was getting absolutely shitfaced.

Louis' question must've been more rhetorical than I realized because I hadn't even answered him and he had already shoved a drink in my hand. Maybe that or he just knew me by now. It didn't take me long to down that drink and just like the first party I had been too at that house, I found Louis chucking at my hastiness. I needed this though so I didn't care. I just reached for the next drink he held out to me. Marina and Zayn disappeared after walking through the front door with me so I'm glad I found Louis when I did. Although, I was more anxious about finding a drink than someone I knew, it was nice to not be alone.

***

Several bottles of cider later, Harry decided to make an appearance at his own party. I tried to sink back into the smallest crack or crevice of the room, hoping he wouldn't notice me but it was to no avail. My efforts were futile as his eyes quickly scanned the room, darting from face to face. When he met my eyes, I stood as still as a statue. A toxic mixture of an all knowing smirk and slight disgust contorted his features. He had held himself up in his room all night. I wondered what he could have possibly been doing down there. Whatever it was though, it had clearly involved alcohol because his eyes already seemed to have a glossy sheen. Not to mention the fact he was clearly stumbling over his speech. I couldn't quite hear what he was saying but the way he talked as he greeted a couple of guys in the usual guy hug, slurring his words, screamed "Help, I'm about to swallow my own tongue!"