small words || jeongcheol

00: size zero.

"Jeonghan, honey," said his mom, "We're just trying to do what's best for you."

"Who's 'we'?" he asked dully, eyes half-focusing on the orange leaves that floated down from the maple tree outside. The window was dirty.

"Your father and I."

"My father is on the other side of the world," he muttered, twitching his bony fingers in his lap.

"Your step-father, honey," his mom sighed.

"Whatever..."

"Son, please," she said quietly, "Just see Dr Kim. I'm glad I can afford to get you proper help."

Jeonghan scoffed, lowering his head so that his long hair fell over one eye. "I've been an in-patient three times, mom, you need to realise that this shit isn't helping me."

She leaned forward and clasped his hands, squeezing until he felt pain. Jeonghan didn't show it on his face.

"They helped for a bit, you know they did. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself anymore, okay? Dr Kim will be ready to see you any minute."

Jeonghan glanced around the hospital waiting room and rolled his eyes. It was almost empty, save for some chubby kid who flexed his ankles repeatedly, as if he was aching to get up and run the fifteen hundred metres. He was with his mom.

"Can you take me somewhere tomorrow?"

"Sure, honey," his mom said with a smile. She let go of his hands. "Where do you want to go?"

"Han River," he told her with a straight face.

The chubby kid's head snapped up, his face filled with shock.

"Yoon Jeonghan!" his mother hissed, "Don't say such things! You could trigger someone else."

"Well, you're triggering me right now," he said sarcastically. He brushed his hair back from his face, revealing sharp cheekbones and dark circles under his eyes. He should have been tan, but his skin was pale, almost gray. It was no wonder his mom had driven him four hours to a different clinic to try to get him some help. He looked like the undead. But it was a bad day, for Jeonghan at least.

"Yoon Jeonghan?" a nurse called. "Dr Kim will see you now."

"Right, let's go, then," said his mom, grabbing her handbag.

Jeonghan slowly got to his feet. "She didn't call your name as well," he pointed out.

"Don't be insolent."

Jeonghan followed the nurse, whose dark blue hair was tied in a loose braid, down a white corridor until they reached Dr Kim's office.

"Ah, thank you, Moonbyul," the doctor said with a smile. Moonbyul gave a small grin before leaving Jeonghan and his mom alone with Dr Kim.

Jeonghan glanced around the office as the door closed. The room was bright, a little too bright, with pale pink curtains and a series of little anime statues on the desk. Dr Kim himself looked very ordinary, but it was clear that Jeonghan's mom found him very handsome. Jeonghan wasn't going to deny that.

"Look at that," she hissed, pointing at something, "See that? That's what you look like."

Jeonghan followed her gaze to a human skeleton model and sighed.

"So, what can I do for you?" asked Dr Kim.

"Well, my son needs help," said Jeonghan's mom, taking a seat.

"I can see that," said Dr Kim, but he didn't sound insensitive. Rather, the tall man seemed to judge him in a calm manner, as if nothing in this field could shock him.

"You're supposed to be the best," said Mrs Yoon, looking Dr Kim up and down.

"Indeed?" Dr Kim looked rather amused. "Well, Jeonghan," he said.

Jeonghan looked at him.

"I've already read your medical history, so I won't bore you by asking questions I already know the answer to," he said, adjusting his baby blue tie. He wore a loose white dress shirt and simple black slacks, but Mrs Yoon was quite taken with him. Even if she was on her second husband now.

Jeonghan sighed through his nose.

"Would you like to take a seat?" Dr Kim smiled pleasantly.

"No thanks."

"Jeonghan," Mrs Yoon hissed.

Dr Kim chuckled, his laugh vaguely squeaky. It reminded Jeonghan of the sound windscreen-wipers make in the rain.

"It's alright," he said, "You don't have to sit down. You can take a look at my book collection if you like."

Jeonghan gave a slight nod. He let his sweater sleeves fall over his bony hands and walked over to the white bookshelf. The medical textbooks were even organised alphabetically.

"I understand your concern," said Dr Kim.

"I'm just so sick of it now," Mrs Yoon replied, starting to sound upset. Or maybe she was just annoyed.

With me, Jeonghan thought.

"Why hasn't any of the treatment worked? Jeonghan was getting better for a bit, but then when he stopped the counselling, he just went back to... well, you can see for yourself."

"I understand," Dr Kim said calmly. "Did you have to wait long on the waiting list this time?"

Mrs Yoon nodded. "Three months," she answered. "But Jeonghan seemed to be getting better! Until a few weeks ago, when he started to look... I don't even understand why he's like this!"

Jeonghan rolled his eyes, but didn't turn to look at his mom.

"Have you two talked about it?" Dr Kim questioned, glancing over at Jeonghan.

"Excuse me-"

"Can I go to the bathroom?" Jeonghan asked abruptly.

"Sure thing," Dr Kim replied.

"Just come straight back in here afterwards," said Mrs Yoon.

Jeonghan just left the doctor's office and went to the bathroom down the corridor. When he got there, the chubby kid from the waiting room was washing his hands.

"Are you really going to the Han River, to... you know?" the chubby boy asked quietly, eyes wide.

"No," Jeonghan answered.

The shorter boy dried his hands with a paper towel before tossing it in the direction of the bin. He missed.

"What were you talking to Dr Kim about?" the chubby boy questioned. "You're anorexic, aren't you?" That wasn't a question.

"Is it that obvious?" Jeonghan mused, pushing his hair back from his face and examining his eye-bags. He noticed another reddish blemish on his cheek, but he had left his makeup at home.

"You look like you're one less meal away from dying," he scoffed.

"Whatever," Jeonghan remarked.

"Well, I'll bet your mom nags you all the time about your eating habits," the boy continued. Jeonghan wondered if he ever stopped talking. "Mine does."

Jeonghan stared at him in the mirror. The chubby boy's hair was cut short aside from his fringe, and was dyed a pinkish blond. He wore a white t-shirt tucked into a pair of plain blue jeans, which he filled out well. He wasn't that chubby, just more so in the face and around the middle. He raised an eyebrow at Jeonghan.

"I would have said you were bulimic, but you don't look like you have the nerve to shove two fingers down the back of your throat," Jeonghan remarked.

"That's gross," he retorted, making a face. "Why throw it up when your body had already absorbed the calories? It's easier to exercise it off." He frowned. "Do you do that?"

"Purge? No, it's disgusting," Jeonghan scoffed. "I just avoid eating." He stepped back from the mirror, satisfied with his appearance. But that, of course, was a lie.

"I'm Boo Seungkwan. Binge eating disorder," the chubby boy introduced himself. Jeonghan lightly shook his hand.

"Yoon Jeonghan. Anorexia nervosa."