Lies and Fear

Chapter 5: Touched For The First Time

Aqua

I didn’t know whom it was that had saved me. All I knew was what Cean had intended to do to me. He left me alone after that. Ignoring me always.

Kian seemed to have less time for me. He still made an effort but seemed a lot quieter, seduced. Always around people neither of us liked to talk to. But when we were alone. Before he had talked so much I could barley make out what he was saying. He could keep a conversation going forever if he wanted. But he had never shown any emotion. Only when I had first seen him, he had been trying to hide it, but in his eyes was fear. Fear and sadness.

It was like I was becoming just someone else. He acted colder towards me, talked to me less. His eyes betrayed nothing now. Something had happened to make him act this way. I was sure of it.

It did occur to me that he had been my saviour that day but I was sure his lack of concern meant that he couldn’t have. Maybe before he had simply been trying to show Cean up by hanging round with me, maybe he felt he had to be around me since I had helped him but now felt no such obligation.

I guess it was during this time that I started to explore outside of school. There were a lot of hills and forests round the area. Every so often I would climb up over the brick wall at the back of the school and go out. Just looking around, seeing what I could find. About two weeks after Kian became so antae social around me I found a rock. It was basically a cliff, with a sharp drop down two sides and the other side a steep clime down to a large hill. On top of that rock about half a mile from school I found my peace. After I found that almost every night I would sneak out to go up there. The view was splendid; you could see everything for miles and miles. And yet so often as I sat up there I thought of Kian and how much he would like it.

Kian

After what happened I didn’t know how to face the world again. It was like all my fears of being touched, talking, showing someone how I feel. They were all coming back. Every time someone so much as approached me I felt terrified. There was always just so much fear just building up inside.

Even Aqua I could not face, when she came up to me it was more than just fear. I was ashamed at what I was doing even though it was for her. I felt she would hate me if ever she found out. It felt so wired to love and cherish her yet just by thinking of how I had brushed her skin I shivered with terror. When she was talking to me I really did try, yet never, never could I ever treat her like I once had.

When Eric had been alive my fear had been like this. Even after his death fear had consumed me. And yet when I had come here it had gone. I still didn’t talk, didn’t show any emotion still didn’t like to be touched but it had been getting better. I hadn’t felt as if I would collapse from fright at any moment just when walking to my next class. I hadn’t shirred away from the people sitting next to me in class. I had been able to talk to Aqua, even touch her of my own free will.

There was one thing though, one if not two little tiny things that were bugging me. Aqua’s eyes. I had a picture of Sam and Eric in a draw in my room. Hidden from Cean. I have never looked at it since putting the photo in the bottom of a draw my first day here. Honestly I don’t think I could look at it. But those eyes, those eyes of Jade.

It was a ridiculous idea but could Aqua be related to Sam? Was that possible?

I had known nothing about Sam, except that she had loved my brother. There was this once time I remember when she came and asked me, “Hay, Kian. Do you think Eric is a silver or a gold guy?”

“Most definitely gold. Why?” I had replied.

She had simply smiled, “Ow, well you mustn’t tell anyone this Kian. But tomorrow I’m going to go buy your brother a ring. And then, next week him and me are doing something special. But before we do it I’m going to ask him a question and then depending on his answer give him the ring.”

That had been a week before she had died. I had never told Eric what had been said simply because she had said not to tell anyone. Even though she was gone now I still felt that responsibility of keeping a secret.

Eric

After I died I had found out what Sam had been planning. The same thing as me it seems. To propose. I had dreamed of a big wedding with all our friends and family. Her sister as a bridesmaid, my brother as best man. It would have been so perfect. I would have done anything, absolutely anything for that to happen.

When Cean won, I so wanted to cry. Kian giving himself to that monster. If he had done that when I was around then I would have liked to think that I would have stopped him. But after what I did, really I’m just as bad as him.

I guess the funny thing is that we abused the same people, in the same way. I had done some unimaginable things to both Kian and Aqua. Cean was only now just begging what I had long ago finished.

As I watched Kian suffer and Aqua begin to feel more and more alone it saddened me. Because before my eyes I was watching the two people who deserved so much more than what they had been given yet again suffer abuse.

One thing though, to me it was so obvious yet to them it was as if it were invisible. They had unknowingly fallen in love. A love so deep Kian had sacrificed himself to the worst abuse he had ever been given since my death. Aqua had already found out the consequences of such abuse even if she neither knew nor understood it.

Kian

About a month after I had given myself to Cean Aqua came up to sit near me at lunch.

We sat in silence, well obviously Aqua didn’t talk but neither did I. After I was done I went to get up and leave but as I stood up Aqua grabbed my hand. Panic went through me, light a lightening bolt through me body. But when I looked back at her as she glanced at her unfinished lunch and pleaded with her eyes for me not to leave I couldn’t say no. So again I sat.

After she was done eating we left the dinging hall. She followed me to the library. Neither of us had said a word or passed a note or anything that could count as saying something to each other. Yet as we walked down the many isles of books somehow I was happy. A lot happier than I had been for a long time. And that feeling, that wonderful feeling of being happy, you can’t replace a moment like that.

“How have you been?” it was all I could ask her.

She gave me a thumb up but didn’t smile.

Eric

Love is something that can never be replaced. When you love someone and they love you it is as if you are able to see each other in clearer lights. Seeing Kian and Aqua like that,

For love knows no bounds

Except the bounds of the mind

Aqua

Hearing his voice, seeing his face.

Cean had done something I was sure of it. Yet we both pretended nothing had changed, we simply talked with our hands. He sometimes added a few spoken words if he didn’t know how to say them without his voice and I would tell him how.