Lights, Camera, Slut it Up! [Boy/Boy]

Chapter 1: Self-Medicating

Lights, Camera, Slut it Up!: Chapter 1: Self-Medicating

               I stared it down at Crystler's lifeless body in a coffin, his skin too pale for me to even imagine he was simply asleep... but he wasn't asleep and he wouldn't simply wake up. My knees buckled and I fell, my eyes to hazy with tears to make out the quickly approaching carpet. "You did this to our son." The middle-aged woman's voice penetrated my hearing. "He killed himself because of you!" I could hear the pain in her voice and I couldn't bring myself to utter a single word of defense. Crystler's parents blamed me for his suicide and I couldn't blame them. Crystler was living with me after all. Had I missed the signs? "He's dead because of you!"

                I jolted awake, my breathing deep and irregular. My wet sheets come to me and I had to peel them off my skin. I stared around the dark room that Crystler and I used to call ours. Even six months later, I still haven't changed anything - I couldn't bring myself to. I pushed out of bed and stumbled down the hallway in the dark. Once in the kitchen I flicked on the light and welcomed the sting I instantly felt in my eyes. It was a little after two and I knew I would have to go back to sleep if I was going to be worth anything in my classes that started in a few short hours. I grabbed the deep blue bottle of vodka and swallowed a mouthful, wincing at the feeling of it going down my already raw throat. I had just put the bottle away when I heard the soft footprints of my four-year-old niece behind me. Having lived up to her name, Angel was a gorgeous little girl with beautiful bronzed skin and golden hair. She looked exactly like my sister, Liliana, and thankfully nothing like her abusive asshole of a father. "Uncle Nicky, are you okay?" She yawned and rubbed at her sleep drooped eyes.

I picked her up and held her to my chest, "Hello sweet girl, did I wake you up?"

She played with Crystler's ruby pendant that I now wore around my neck. "I heard you scream."

I pushed away my guilt and forced a smile, "Sorry about that..."

"- is it because of Uncle Cryler?" Despite the agony that seemed to shoot through me, I chuckled at her inability to say his name fully. "It's okay, mommy said he wanted to go to heaven. We won't be able to see him anymore but we can still feel him in here. And it's okay to be sad." She placed her small hand on my chest and I almost lost it all over again. She couldn't understand the permanence of Crystler's death - she thought heaven was a place you could return from.

"Let's get you back to bed." She yawned in agreement as I carried her back down the hallway.

              Liliana stared at me as I fixed a cup of coffee in zombie-mode. "What?" I growled, finally having enough of the pity in her eyes.

"You're not sleeping, are you?" That was the question of the century. I ignored it and began working on preparing Angel's lunch. Very few things distracted me like cooking did.

"Uncle Nicky!" Angel ran into the kitchen, holding Liliana's iPad in her tiny fingers. "I found the number for heaven for you so you can call Uncle Cryler."

Confused, I took the device before glaring at my sister. "Thank you Angel, why don't you go pick what you want to wear today?" She agreed before running off. "I thought you put the child lock on here?" I stared down at the porn site called Heaven Studios that showcased naked men and women wearing wings and halos. Liliana took one look before running after her daughter. I powered off the device and set it on the table. Sex had been the way I dealt with things as a teenager... but I was better than that now - wasn't I? Crystler and I were never married but it still felt like I would be betraying him... but then how could he leave me like this? He left me no explanation and that wasn't fair. Not just to me, but to us.