Lights, Camera, Slut it Up! [Boy/Boy]

Chapter 4: Mother

Lights, Camera, Slut it Up!: Chapter 4: Mother

               I stood there, taking in the image of my mother. Five years had been a long time. Despite her not really being around to begin with, I missed her and occasionally, I allowed myself to wonder if she ever thought about Liliana and I.

              When I was beaten by my father, disowned, and kicked out at seventeen, she had stood by and watched. Her way of apologizing had been to slip money into my suitcase - just like it always was. To prove to myself that I didn't need them, I never touched the money. I had saved enough of my paychecks from The Studio to get by. I'd even gotten a job at a local restaurant until I enrolled in a culinary program and started receiving financial aid.

              "Nicholas-" My mother had tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I - I know it's not good enough but ..."

I rubbed the back of my neck in hesitation. Why did she pick now to come back? I had more than enough to deal with as it is. "What are you doing here?"

She quickly sat down, her eyes trained on her feet. "I needed to talk to you - to tell you that I was wrong." More tears fell from her eyes, "I allowed your father to control me and dictate how I raised my children and I was wrong." She moved toward me, but I instantly moved back, my brain rushing through too many emotions for me to fully process anything. "I know I have a lot to make up for and I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but I want to try if you'll let me."

"Have you talk to Liliana yet?" I needed to talk to someone. I couldn't handle this in my current state of mind. I was generally a strong person, but even I had my limits. All I wanted now was a shower and a bottle of vodka... not necessarily in that order.

"I have." A small smile played on her lips. "I have a grandchild." She sounded proud and a part of me didn't like it. I was protective of Angel and if my mother ever hurt her, I'd never forgive her. She wandered over to the wall of photos, each one perfectly preserved in their frame. She paused at one of Chrystler and I. We had been watching a movie on the couch and fell asleep, making us perfect victims of Liliana's camera. Then she moved on to one of us cooking and another of us each kissing Angel's cheeks when she was just a baby. One by one, Chrystler's and my memories filled the wall and I suddenly felt too exposed. "You two make a nice couple. I hope you will allow me to meet him - he seems important to you."

I swallowed hard, telling myself that I wouldn't lose it in front of her. "He's not here anymore."

Her smile instantly fell, "I'm sorry, did you two break up?"

I bit my tongue hard and moved past her, "He died six months ago." I hated to sound so cold but I couldn't handle another breakdown. I needed alcohol... and a lot of it.

              I stood on the upstairs balcony that overlooked my living room and kitchen. Liliana had gotten home with Angel, who was now meeting her grandmother for the first time. I took a swig from the deep blue bottle in my hands and cursed how well my body handled vodka.

"Uncle Nicky!" Angel called out when she spotted me. "I have a grandma!" Her little face was beaming.

I hid the bottle behind one of the potted plants and went down to join my sister. I pushed my damp hair out of my face, thankful that I no longer smelled like the floor of a bar.

Liliana watched our mother with guarded eyes. "What are you thinking?" I hadn't decided if I wanted to give her another chance but Liliana seem to be entertaining the idea.

"Angel likes her and it would be nice to have her around." Angel liked everybody, so that wasn't really winning her points.

I grabbed Angel as she ran by, making her scream and giggle in her small high-pitched voice. "I have to go to class." I announced, kissing her cheeks repeatedly.

"Okay, I'll stay with Grandma!" I released the wriggling four-year-old and she ran off, most likely retrieving something from her room. I said my goodbyes to my sister and my mother before making my way to the door.

              Needless to say, the girls in my class weren't pleased that I ditched them at the bar. Then they were even more saddened by the fact that I ditched them for another man.

"The cute ones are always gay." One of them sighed, prompting a laugh from me. "... or are already married." They continued their chatter until class started. While I normally enjoyed the lessons, they seemed to drag today. The two hours felt more like six and I was absolutely done when we were finally released.

Driving home was just a blur of street lights and before I knew it, I was staring at my front door again. The loud chattering coming from inside wasn't a usual characteristic. "Nicky's home!" Liliana announced as I walked in.

Three new sets of eyes landed on me and I took the moment to stare back at my younger siblings.

              Michael sat on the couch, his dark hair wild and his clothes were kind of grunge style. I bet if he stood, he would be taller than me. Then there was Abigail, whose preteen frame was wispy with hair that fell down to the middle of her back and wrists that were adorned with dozens of gaudy bracelets. Last, but not least, was Janice, who was no longer a grubby five-year-old. At ten, she had a lean muscled body that was covered in a basketball jersey.

              "Hi?" I forced the word out. Liliana and I had been basically raising these kids and now they seemed to be so grown up.

The girls ran up and hugged me while Michael stood back for a moment. When he finally relented, I was astonished to find that I was barely as tall as his shoulders. "You shrunk on me Nicky." His voice was deeper and it took me a second to comprehend his words.

"I shrunk? Dude, you're the size of the building. What did they feed you?" Apparently Liliana and I hadn't been fed the same thing because we were both about five-five. He laughed and returned to the couch, where I noticed Angel was sitting with a book in her hands.

"Michael just grew like a weed." My mother laughed, running her fingers through his messy waves of curls. He batted her away, rearranging his hair as if there had been some kind of style to begin with.

              For the next hour, I worked alongside my sisters in the kitchen, listening to their stories and telling a few of my own. Abby was now in seventh grade and her class was going to go on a camping trip at the end of the year. She was really looking forward to it. Janice, the now fifth grader, was very much into basketball. "Only the one you play though, not the one you watch." Janice had never been one of the spectators. Even as a young child, she wanted to be the center of attention. She needed to be where the action was, just like she did now.

"Are you on a team?" That was the best place for her. She needed to learn how to depend on her teammates and the only way to do that was to actually join a team.

"I'm not old enough yet - I will be next year." So her school didn't have a basketball team? At least she had something to look forward to in middle school.

Abigail was a different story. The more I asked, the more she seemed to clam up. After I showed Janice how to use a knife, I put her in charge of chopping vegetables. Abby was peeling potatoes and her sleeves were drenched as a result. I pulled one of them up, a few of her bracelets going with it. "Abby -" We were both frozen in place.

She recovered first. She dropped the potato and the peeler and roughly yanked her sleeve back into place. "It's nothing Nicky." Her pleading eyes flickered from me, to our mother, and back again. She didn't want her mother to know about the scars I had accidently uncovered. She was a cutter. Sometime during the last five years she had turned to self-harming to deal... and that broke my heart.