The Library Boy {Niam}

Chapter 9

Liam's Pov.

I've never liked waiting. I didn't like waiting at the busstop, while the rain soaked my clothes and made me shake because of the cold. I didn't like waiting untill the teachers took a look at my test and finally gave me the grade telling me wether I'd pass the school year or not. I never liked ordering something and waiting for it to arrive.

I don't like sitting in the waiting room unsure wether someone I barely know yet so important to me is going to live or die.

I can't describe my feelings. I've never been good at dealing with my emotions, so I push them away, ignore them ti'll they die down and right now I realize I'm a coward for doing that. I'm a coward for everyone who cared, but who I lost behaving like a dick because I didn't want to admit I cared for them. I didn't want to care for them because I knew I'd end up hurt and I'd already given up on Niall before giving him a chance. Giving him a chance to prove he's not like the others. That he's not the person to hurt someone on purpose.

For once in my life I'm not having control on the situation. It's so easy for me, to manipulate people and make them do what I want them to do. I've always told myself that they were stupid for letting me use them, but they simply did what I asked from them, because they cared and I pushed them away, threating them like they were trash.

Did this really have to happen to make me open my eyes? Did it have to come so far I might lose someone I love? I love Niall. I really do and I can't believe he first had to collapse and be brought to the hospital, before I understood.

A doctor walked out of his room and I stand up immediately like my body controlls itself without me clearly thinking about my movements as I walk over to him. "How is he?" He blurt out in pure concern. It probably is atleast the fifth time I asked this guy, since everyone he walks out of the room, I'll ask him. "He's stable. For now." He tells me. For now..? "Can I go in?" "Yes. He's awake, but still a little off, so you might have to be patient with talking." He nod and pass him straight away as I look at Niall, who's laying in the bed as if his body is completely energy drowned.

He looks pale, his hair is a mess, a long plastic tube is coming out of his mouth and his eyes are closed. Did he fall asleep again? I wonder why Chris hasn't arrived yet and sit down next to him, grabbing his hand as I stare at him. I lift his hand carefully, like it's thin glass that can break any second and press my lips against the skin, closing my eyes causing the tears that I have been trying to keep in to slip past my eyelids and make their way down my cheeks, hanging on my jaw for just a second before falling down and splashing apart onto the blanket that's covering Niall's fragile body which stiffens.

I open my eyes as I face his light blue ones, staring back at me. I can see he's in pain, but in some way he's happy to see me. Maybe I'm just imaginening that. Maybe I wish he is happy to see me. Why would he be happy to see me in the first place?

"I'm sorry.." I crack out. This isn't the time for me to cry. I'm suppossed to stay strong, be here for him and cry over my guilt later like the coward that I am. "It's fine.." he whispered, his words sounding slightly off, because of the tube that's between his lips on the right side. His hands moves up slightly as he brushes my tears off with a weak movement, before his arm falls back down on the bed.

"Do you.." He swallowed. "Hate me..?" he whispered. I know he's trying to talk normally, but the words simply won't come out any harder, which is a sweet reminder of how weak he is at this very moment and maybe I should be gratefull I'm able to have a conversation with him right now. Who knows it might be my last one.

"No.. I don't hate you." I say, grabbing his hand again, because it feels right and I'm not going to deny it. Do I love him? Does me wanting to help him, be around him, feeling all happy around him mean I love him? I never felt anything like this before. "I love you Niall." I say. "No.. you don't.." He brought out as coughed, arching off the bed as he whimpered sinking back down as soon as he's done. "I do." I say. What am I even thinking? Who am I trying to convince he might actually believe me after me ignoring him and being harsh the past week? 

"You can't love someone who's dying.." He whimpered. Is that why he doesn't believe me? I feel like someone ripped my heart out, the heart that became less cold by the ill blonde boy in front of me and threw it against the ground like it doesn't have a purpose. Like it doesn't live or doesn't have feelings. The fact I threated him like trash has nothing to do with him not believing me. All this time he has been struggeling with himself and I only made it worse.

"I do. I can prove it.." I try, knowing there is a way. "How..?" He whisperes, frowning, like he actually expects me to tell him I was joking. I stand up and sink down next to him on the bed carefully and he lets me. My hand reaches out for his blonde locks that are damp by his sweat, but I'm not bothered by it. I pay attention to his light blue eyes again and smile at him weakly as I lean down and kiss him. Our lips are barely brushing, but the feelings are there.

I stay with Niall untill the visiting hours are over as the doctors have to force me out of the room.

Walking through the empty cold hallways of the hospital I think about everything Niall ever said to me. Teached me about life.

"You can't have everything you want unless you deserve it."

The sentence plays in my heart on the exact way Niall said it and that's when I realize I don't deserve Niall.

I'm going to quit writing this story because.... Just kidding! :'D Please leave feedback in the comments below and don't forget to vote!

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