The Shadow's Secret│TMNT

28 || All The Words We Leave Unspoken

I didn't want to wake up. No, I was too comfortable, too warm, too peaceful.

And that smell, oh how wonderful it was! I just couldn't get enough.

I couldn't help the smile that graced my lips as I shifted beneath the blanket and pressed my nose into a pillow, inhaling deeply.

Sweat. Musk. Metal. Wood-wait... wood? Reluctantly, I opened my eyes and looked around in confusion, blinking excessively from the sudden light.

It took me a few moments to realize that I was still in the lair. And it took me even longer to comprehend the fact that I was no longer on the couch with Mikey watching Star Wars. No, instead, I lay curled up in one of the beds in the turtles' bedroom. The mattress bearing red pillows and blankets.

Now I know why it smells like him. I was laying in Raphael's bed. I sat up and rubbed my face, still thoroughly confused.

Why the hell am I sleeping in his bed!? I thought I fell asleep on the couch! I groaned and flopped back down, too tired to even begin to try and understand.

Why can't I ever fall asleep in my own bed? I sighed and closed my eyes in a useless attempt to fall back asleep.

Another sigh echoed through the lair, followed by heavy, yet silent footfalls. Neither my own.

Curious, I decided to keep up my sleeping facade.

The footfalls got louder and louder, coming closer and closer until they stopped in the archway of the bedroom opening into the training room. I could feel the eyes of whichever brother stood there watching me. They watched for a long while, shifting their feet and arms every so often.

It definitely wasn't Mikey, or else he'd probably jump on me or scare me awake. It wasn't Splinter, his footsteps sounded different from these. And if it was Donnie, he would've felt too awkward watching me sleep and would leave immediately, so it couldn't be him. So was it Leo or Raph?

Leo. It has to be him. Raph would never–

"I'm sorry."

Okay, maybe he would.

"I... I never thought everything would turn out like this." Raphael was holding something back, I could hear the strain in his voice, I could sense it. That and the war that still waged within him.

"I'm trying to decide whether I'm angry that you tracked down Leo... or grateful." After a moment of silent contemplation, he sighed in frustration.

"Nothing makes sense right now! It feels like Leo's in my head constantly yelling at me. There's one voice telling me to do one thing, and then there's this other voice that I want to believe, but I don't want to at the same time. It's just so frustrating."

I know, Raph. I know.

"I don't know what to believe or how to decide. I don't want to make the wrong decision... Sensei told me to trust my instincts, like always, but it's like they ran off on me, a–and I don't know what to do. And I... I figured you could help because you just... I don't know how, but it just feels like you understand me better than my brothers sometimes." He laughed lightly and walked over to fall into a mattress beside the one I Iaid in.

He remained silent for a long time, and I debated whether or not I should 'wake up'.

It was disconcerting, knowing that he was talking to me and I was listening to something he didn't actually intend for me to hear. I felt obligated to reply. Or to at least jump up and hug him, or kick his ass for being a jerk earlier. But I didn't do any of that. I just laid there with him in the oddly comfortable silence.

"I'm sorry I'm too much of a wuss to tell you all this when you're actually awake, but I'm..." he sighed and took a deep breath to force the words from his mouth. "I'm scared. I don't know what you'll think of me if I'm not the big fearless guy you know... Nobody has ever accepted us before. And I want to trust you, but I'm scared to." Another sigh. "I'm not this huge, fearless jerk, you know. I have a heart and I'm afraid of things. Actually, I'm afraid of a lot of things, and most of them are really stupid, too." He chuckled to himself and I could just picture him rubbing the back of his neck.

"I wish things were easier," he said, after a few minutes of quiet, "I wish our life wasn't so dangerous, and that I didn't look like... this. I wish I could just restart and meet you all over again, but without being a jerk the whole time. Maybe then I wouldn't have given you a million reasons to hate me in just a few days."

I don't hate you. It took everything in me to not say it aloud, to keep it trapped inside along with everything else I wanted to say.

I'm sorry I got mad at you. I'm sorry your heart and your head are giving you hell right now, I know what it's like. And it's alright to be afraid, everyone has fears and I don't think less of you because of it. Having fears makes you more human. And I know you have a heart, because you've shown me before. I know that you're kind and funny when you're not hiding yourself behind a fake mask... And I know that it must be hard for you to trust a human, but I don't want to lose whatever it is that we have. I like talking and hanging out with you. Well, when you're not a jerk, that is. But I don't wish anything to be different. This... situation you're in has made you who you are. If you hadn't been mutated and lived beneath the city training with your brothers, then who would you be? Not the person you are now, not the person I've stayed up late at night talking and laughing with. Sure, things aren't exactly the best right now, but it'll get better. I promise.

••• 影の秘密 •••

My eyes shot open.

What time is it? I found my phone within the folds of a blanket, it having fallen out of my hoodie pocket while I was sleeping.

I sighed in relief when I saw it was only quarter to eleven. I looked around to see Raphael sprawled out on Mikey's bed, beside the one I laid in. The lair was completely silent. Taking that as a sign that everyone was asleep, I decided that I should probably head home.

I rolled out of Raph's bed, still blinking my eyes against the light, and tried to fix my mussed hair as best I could with my fingers.

My gaze fell on Raph as if my eyes had a will of their own. I covered my mouth with one hand to suppress my laughter.

He had one foot against one upturned corner of the mattress, leg bent at the knee, and the other straight and hanging off the edge of the bed. His arms were a tangled mess around his head, which was turned and pressed into a pillow.

I reached out and carefully tugged the pillow from his face so he could breathe properly. His brow furrowed and he muttered something unintelligible in a low, scratchy voice that made my heart seize merely at the sound.

I smiled and turned to leave the room. Somehow, I managed to open the huge door, then pull it closed and locked it before walking off into the sewer maze, mind adrift with thoughts.

AN: Well that was CUUUUUTE. I basically died writing this chapter bcuz Raph is just so sweet.

Also, please don't be a silent reader!! I'd appreciate hearing your guys' thoughts even tho this story is finished now! 😁