In His Arms (Antisepticeye x Female Reader)

Ch7 - What now

(Your p.o.v)

I slept through both airplane flights. But was still exhausted when I called Ashlyn that I was here.

Fifteen minutes later she pulled up in her blue mustang. She gets out and hugs me.

"You OK? Come on, you wanna go to...your house?"

"My house." I whisper. "I suppose it is now... Depending on what they wanted."

"It is your house now, they left everything." She tells me, taking a bag and wrestling it into the back seat. "They left everything to you."

"And you got this information before me...how?" I ask putting the other bag in.

"Honey. I'm just trying to help. Would out want a bunch of legalistic people telling giving you an entire speech, I had a hard enough time understanding some of the words myself, or one sentence from me?" She smiles. "Come on, there are people behind us."

I get in the passenger seat, and she gets in the drivers side.

"When did you get this?" I ask looking around. "Looks new, unless you keep it factory clean."

"Ha, yea its still new, got it last week. I love it."

"Pretty penny." I say, absentmindedly. I don't hear her response as I roll down the window.

It's nice to be home...but then it isn't. I'm having mixed feelings about it. I wanna be here, but I'm remembering memories and people who are now gone. It hurts. I don't know how to explain it. Its like life's hands wrapped around my chest and squeezed till I can barely breath. Either that or its a panic attack...

"Oh fuck..." I mumble and take a deep breath.

"Oh no! I forgot about those! This must be supper stressful! What do I do!?" Ashlyn exclaims.

"Just...chill...it doesn't help when others panic too... I can control them somewhat...now..." The panic slowly dissipates and I sigh. "I'm OK now."

"OK..good. We are almost there."

Five minutes later we pull up into the driveway. I get out and stare at the house.

"Why aren't you here to greet me?" I whisper.

I just stand there, staring at the door. But I know they aren't coming out. They never will. I slowly go up to the door and unlock it.

The house is dark. I don't turn on the lights as I walk into the kitchen. It smells like cookies. I freeze. There on the counter is a batch of cookies. Mom had left them to cool.

Tears stream down my face as I run to my room and slam the door. I fall asleep in a puddle of tears on my bed, hugging a stuff animal.

Not sure how long I was there but it I awoke with Ashlyn gently nudging me.

"Hay, come on, you gotta get up."

"Why." I mumble and turn over.

"Nope. Don't do this to yourself come on, get up don't stay here like this its not good."

"Fuck off!" I yell and start crying again.

My heaving almost made me puke. I know I'll be worse off sitting here sulking. But I can't get up I'm like...stuck.

I let Ashlyn pull me up and out into the kitchen.

"Ashlyn...I know your trying to help...but can I just be here alone for a while? Like a few days...or something..."

Ashlyn looks at me then gives a small smile. "Yea, I can do that. After I get you some food."

I nod in agreement.

Ashlyn had ordered some pizza and we talked a bit about random stuff. Then she left to her place.

I stand up from the couch. Its quiet. Too quiet. I started second thinking having her leave. No I need to get through this. I don't need her help right now.

I go over to the radio and fish through the stations. But I don't stay on anything, instead, end up hooking up the Bluetooth connection from my phone to the speakers and play my mix.

Thnks fr th mmrs - FOB, was the first one. I almost cried. Why was that the first? It takes me back to my emo years. No I didn't go all out, and I'm still into wearing all black, but still. I remember when I first heard this song...I'd blare it all the time. Mom and Dad would tease me about it, singing in their worst voices to it.

I turn up the volume till the table the radio starts to vibrate. I look around. What now? What do I do with all this?

The next week was filled with me going through things. Putting random stuff I won't use into boxes and sending them down the road. Ashlyn came over and was helping me too.

When the week was over the entire house had been gone through, except my room,and my parents room. I went in there once. Then walked right back out. I couldn't. Not yet.

Now I try again. I go to the closed door and slowly push it open. The cedar smell from their wooden bed wafts out, mixed with dads cologne, and moms perfume. I take a breath and step in.

The bed is not made. Everything hasn't been touched. I begin with making the bed, and throwing the random pieces of clothing into the hamper.

In the closet are a bunch of totes, I drag the first one out and open it. Its filled with pictures. I quickly shot the lid. There is no way I'm looking through those now. I pull the tote out into the living room.

The rest of the afternoon was spent looking through the totes and dresser. I found so many things I thought had been thrown out. Like some of my old food craft stuff from elementary school. I also found some letters I had sent them from when I was at summer camp.

At the end of the day I had four totes of stuff to send off, And two to keep. The room was pretty much empty.

I lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Then start to worry what I'm gonna do with what I have. I have a house, and car. But no job to up keep them. I have money, that's not a problem, but in order to keep this all I'd have to get a job otherwise I'm gonna bleed myself dry, eventually. And do I even want to stay here.

I shut my eyes and the view of LA from the hotel balcony comes to mind. LA? My chest starts to tighten, and gets cold. Another attack. But I'm numb to it. I don't try to stop it, instead I embrace it, letting it wrap me in the horrible cold, black, numbness as I start to breath rapidly. I shiver as I gat up and start pacing. I have to stop it, I'm gonna go insane if I don't. I hate it. I'm scared. My phone rings.

"Hello?!" I pant.

"(AN)?" Anti asks. "Are you OK? You sound like you're hyperventilating."

"I don't know. I might be I gasp."

"Oh, hay chill try to calm down! It will pass. Sit down somewhere." He tells me.

"I know I know, I'm trying..." I sit down, and curl up in a ball.