Denial

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Rae



As I walked towards the cafeteria, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to the first and last real conversation I’d had with Serenity. It appears this new girlfriend of Junior’s actually has some substance behind all of that make up. When I escaped my ‘home’ that night, I didn’t even know where I was going. I just had to get away for a while.



I was sprawled out on the couch, my head laying on Aubrey’s side as she lay stretched out above me, my legs on top of Phoenix’s prone form, and Jasper resting alongside me, his head resting on my breast. Junior had escaped to his room, probably to call his girlfriend and talk about bull. Arrow reruns were playing on the TV. Oliver and Tommy had just been kidnapped and those poor idiots were about to get their asses handed to them.

The front door swung open and Carey and Joe strolled inside, talking softly. Joe must’ve said something funny ‘cause Carey was suddenly giggling like a schoolgirl and he grinned at her, wrapping his arms around her waist and going in for a quick kiss.

Choosing to ignore their presence, I turned up the volume on the TV. Oliver and Tommy were now at Oliver’s parents’ mansion, talking to Detective Lance.

Thanks, you guys. I missed the freaking fight scene.

As if just noticing my presence, Carey spoke. “Hey, Dominique. How was bowling?”

“I kicked Quinn’s ass.” I responded.

Joe sighed. “Rae, could you please hold off on the swearing?”

“Sorry, Joe.” I told him, feeling slightly contrite.

“Is Junior home yet?” Carey asked.

“Upstairs having phone sex with his girlfriend.”

She choked on the glass of water she’d been drinking. Joe hurried over and gently pounded her back to help clear her lungs. When she’d gotten her coughing under control, she turned back to me, her voice still a bit hoarse. “That wasn’t remotely funny, Dominique.” She went to return to the fridge, probably for a snack, a frown marring her features.

Shaking my head in irritation, I prepared to go upstairs when Carey called to me. “Dominique, this weekend I’m taking you to the courthouse to officially have your name changed on all of your files.”

That made me turn around to face her, anger poisoning my blood. “The hell you are! My name is just fine the way it is. There’s no reason to change it.”

“Dominique,” she yelled in exasperation. “The point of changing your name was so that we’d be a complete family.”

“A complete family?” I chuckled, my voice lacking humor. “We will never be a complete family, Carey.”

“And why can’t we? We are a family Dominique, and I want you to have your father’s last name.”

“I do have my father’s last name. Palmer. His last name is--- was Palmer, and so is mine.”

A fire suddenly burned in Carey’s eyes as she stalked over to me until we stood not even a foot apart. “That--- that man was not, nor will he ever be, your father. He’s a sorry excuse of a man who chose his sick addiction over his own family.” She raised her hand and pointed a finger into my chest. “Don’t you ever say that name in this house again. You will accept your name as Dominique Michelle Farley if you want to remain a part of this family.”

It felt like my heart had been incinerated and forced to burn slowly and painfully. The flames were impossible to put out and it was left inside of me, slowly eating away at my vulnerable organ, preparing to destroy the only good thing I had left inside.

I leveled her with a glare so harsh, even the memory of a happy Raeshawn was completely dissolved out of existence forever. “I was never a part of it. I was merely a forgotten piece belonging to another puzzle. My family died 5 years ago. All I’ve got is Quinn now.”

I turned to leave and two tall figures caught my eye. Junior and Joe stood in the doorway of the kitchen appearing hurt, but at that moment, I couldn’t bring myself to give a damn. I needed to get out of here. I needed to----to---

Escape.


Sighing, I glanced around the cafeteria from the seat I’d grabbed away from everyone else. They were all chattering loudly amongst themselves. There were no stereotypical groups in our school. Sometimes I wondered what made writers create such a thing for their books and movies and screenplays. Everyone just sat with their friends, regardless of where they came from. Possibly the only stereotype here was the table full of cheerleaders who hung on Tracey’s every word like it was the gospel or something.

Junior sat all cozy with Serenity at the table in the middle of the cafeteria with their odd group of friends. The pixie, the silent type, and the all-American boy. They were talking and laughing as if they didn’t have a care in the world. Even Serenity, despite what happened to her two years ago.

As if she’d sensed my thoughts, Serenity’s head popped up and she looked around the cafeteria for a moment before her gaze connected with mine. Almost immediately, a small smile made its way across her face as her head tilted to the side. Her gentle almond shaped eyes looked me over, the calm easing my tortured soul. When I smiled back at her, her smile stretched into a grin from ear to ear. I’m not sure why, but I don’t really care. She had a great smile.

Then, just like that, her smile disappeared and a frown stood in its place. Her gaze slid away from me and towards the entrance to the cafeteria. It was then that I noticed how quiet the room had gotten and the way people were sneaking glances at me.

Following Serenity’s gaze, my eyes landed on Terry Ferrell, Tracey’s dad and my ex-lover. He was wearing the latest pair of white Jordan’s (I can’t be bothered with remembering what they’re called), a pair of black dress slacks, a white dress shirt, a black suit jacket, and a Taz dress tie. He stood at almost six and a half feet tall. His wavy, dark brown hair was slicked back, although there are a few rebellious curls dancing over his warm cyan eyes. His jaw was covered in a five o’clock shadow, which highlighted the few grey hairs that showed in his sideburns. His suit hugged his large, muscular frame like it had been personally tailored just for him. The man looked like he’d just come from a GQ photoshoot.

If only I liked men….

When his eyes landed on me, his handsome face split to reveal a line of perfect, pearly white teeth. He swaggered in, his long legs gliding along the ground as if he were floating through the air. When he reached me, he leaned across the table and pressed his lips against mine without any hesitation, ignoring the gasps filling the room.

I let myself enjoy the warm comfort his lips brought before leaning back. He settled down in the seat next to me and placed a couple of takeout boxes in front of us. “I come bearing gifts,” he entreated, his gravelly voice adding an edge to the simple statement.

Smiling, I opened the box to find Cinna stack pancakes from IHOP. Squealing in delight, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek before digging in. After swallowing a couple mouthfuls, I turned to him and asked, “How did you know?”

He shrugged, his smile a bit sheepish. “I didn’t really. I just got an inkling that you needed it.” He gestured toward the stack of pancakes and me. “And it appears that I was right.”

I shook my head at him, nudging him with my shoulder in gratitude. He understood because his arm slid around my shoulders and squeezed me gently into his side. We didn’t say much, just enjoying each other’s company. It’s always been like this. Whenever we got together, we could just sit in silence and feel the life flowing between the two of us.

Lunch was just about over when someone cleared their throat, interrupting our reverie. Junior stood practically in our faces, his nostrils flaring. His entire table stood with him, appearing uncertain about the situation.

“Rae, what the hell are you doing?” he growled.

Terry glanced at them with a bored expression. “She’s eating lunch and hanging out with me, that’s all.”

“The hell it is!” Junior exclaimed, drawing even more attention to us. “You’ve been screwing her and now you’ve gotten even bolder. Now, you gon show up at every lunch period? What, you gonna start driving her to school too? You moving in with us?”

“Junior.” Serenity tried to get his attention, but he ignored her.

“She’s just a teenager. She should be dating other teenagers. Mackenzie for example.”

“Junior!” Serenity tried again.

“She’s fucking him, you know. Practically every night.” Eyes everywhere looked over at Lincoln whose face was aflame.

“Joseph!”

“What?!” he roared back.

But, it was already too late. Just as I was about to go off on him for putting all of my business out there, Terry stood up, towering over all of them. His normally warm cerulean eyes were a cool icy hue. His muscles were taut, his jaw clenched in barely controlled anger. I grabbed his arm to hold him back in case he went to hit one of them, but he gently shook me off.

“Listen up, boy. I’m getting really tired of you giving me lip.” he growled. “Rae is old enough and smart enough to decide who she wants to sleep with, whether it be me or Lincoln Mackenzie. We are not sleeping together anymore, but we are still friends. I know she told you this because we talk at least once a week and she mentioned having that conversation with you at the bowling alley.” He walked around the table so that he stood toe to toe with Junior and snarled, “Now, I’m going to say this once and only once. Back the hell off. The only reason I haven’t knocked the taste out your mouth is because Rae asked me not to. But if you keep this little shitfest going, I won’t hesitate to put your ass through a wall.” He turned to me and pressed a lingering kiss on my cheek. “I’ll talk to you soon, Shawnie.” With that, he stalked out of here.

I stood up, looped the strap of my bag on my shoulder and was just about to leave when Junior grabbed me by my arm.

“Rae, you need to stay away from that guy.”

“No, Junior.” I whispered. “I need to stay away from you. Back the hell off and leave me the fuck alone.”

I stormed out without looking back. I can’t believe he would just put all of my business out there like that. I never said anything to anyone about the fact that he had sex with his English teacher to get his grade up from an F to a B-. I never said anything about how he got arrested for stealing a 50 inch flat screen TV from Walmart. I had to use over half of the money my father left me to bail him out and keep Carey and Joe from finding out. I even bought a plan B pill for a chick he forgot to use a condom with and paid for the abortion of another chick he’d accidentally knocked up, all without Carey or Joe finding out. And this is the thanks I get. Okay. I’m done saving him from himself and I’m done putting up with these people’s bullshit.

I absently strolled into my Honors World History class and took a seat at the very back next to a window. I pulled out a few pieces of notebook paper and started doodling on it. As the class filled up, I could hear the whispers and feel the stares of my peers. Thankfully, it ebbed slightly when the teacher walked in and began the lesson. I only half listened to what was going on, focusing more intently on the picture I was doodling. It wasn’t until someone clapped in my face that I looked up. The teacher was studying me with mild concern.

“Raeshawn, would you like to go to the nurse?” she asked.

I shrugged, gathered my things, and left without a moment’s hesitation. I walked outside to the track and tossed my things onto the bleachers and took off at a sprint. The only sounds I could make out was the wind whistling past my ears and the pounding of my feet against the asphalt.

Breathe in through your nose, step, step, out through your mouth. In through your nose, step, step, out through your mouth.

I let the familiar cadence distract me from the lingering thoughts about lunch and allowed my mind to return to its familiar erratic state. I felt the usual feeling of being overwhelmed assault my mind.

Are the kids okay They should be fine but I am such a goddamn worry wart Did I give them enough to eat this morning If I gave them anymore they’d be rounder than a pregnant looking man Did I give them enough water I didn’t check Were there important notes in history I sure hope not I didn’t put on my cream this morning I wonder if Quinn’s dentist found any cavities Sometimes I really hate Carey I didn’t know I could hate anyone the way I hate her I think I hurt Joe but it couldn’t be helped

“Rae!”

I know that voice Who is it Where did it come from It was nearby Over there By the tree Lots of people but I see her Serenity What’s she doing out here She’s not wearing her jacket anymo--- Boobs

“Hey, Rae.” she said, her voice slightly laced with concern. “What are you doing out here? Don’t you have a class right now?”

I could ask you the same thing Your eyes are so beautiful They’re like molten dark chocolate Would it be weird if I asked to taste her eye Probably Most definitely When did I stop running

“Rae?” she asked again, this time taking my hand. “Hey, are you okay?”

I could feel a slight smile on my face. I realized I like looking at her. Just looking. She was beautiful and she made me feel calm.

“Rae, you’re starting to scare me.” She brought her hands to my face and looked me in the eye, trying to get my attention.

But, she already had it. She just didn’t realize it. If she wasn’t sure before, she should be now that she’d touched me. I could feel the prickles of warmth spreading through me from the feel of her hands on my skin. Her warm, dark chocolate eyes gazed into my caramel ones and I felt myself begin to slip. The warmth of her breath fluttered across my face, helping to ease me into oblivion. And then she swiped her tongue across her bottom lip. My control shattered.

My arms slid around her waist and pulled her close. Her arms dropped to my shoulders in surprise. Our bodies were barely separated by an inch of space. So little distance was between our bodies, that I could feel the little gasp that escaped her, it vibrating through my being despite the minimal amount of contact between the two of us.

Then, I pressed my lips to hers, eliciting another tiny intake of air from her. I took that opportunity to slip my tongue inside her warm cavern and explore the length of it, seek out the hidden treasures from within.

A little moan slipped past her lips, sending a flurry of shivers up and down my spine. I cocked my head to the side and deepened the kiss, my arms pulling her flush against me. One arm wrapped completely around her waist while the other gently stroked up and down her spine. Hesitantly, she wrapped her arms around my neck and allowed her tongue to interact with mine. It lightly brushed along the top of mine, tearing a full body shudder from me.

My grip on her tightened and I nibbled along her bottom lip. I gently pulled at it with my teeth before burying my tongue into her mouth again for one more long, lingering kiss.

Finally, albeit reluctantly, I removed my lips from hers, taking in a much needed breath of air. She stood gasping in front of me, her already dark eyes a shiver-inducing black. Her lips were slightly swollen from our heated kiss, her cheeks burning with arousal and bewilderment.

“Rae?” she asked. “Why’d you kiss me?”

I shook my head at her, just as confused. “My head was all---- I don’t know. Messed up I guess. I just—after what happened at lunch, I couldn’t focus.” I gazed at her for a minute, trying to gather my surprisingly still thoughts. “You calm me. I can’t really explain it, you just do.”

“But why would you need to be calmed?” She sent me a small apologetic smile. “Other than because of what happened at lunch. If there is one thing I’ve noticed about you, it’s that you don’t let stuff get to you. So, what’s up?” Her dark eyes narrowed at me and glittered warningly. “And don’t say it’s nothing. I’ve been watching you, Rae, and I know that whatever was bothering you Wednesday night is still bothering you today.”

I simply shook my head at her and looked away. I removed my arms from around her and just studied her. There are some things I just can’t share with anyone. Ever. I might think she’s okay to hang with, but that’s it. She won’t be around long enough to really get to know me anyway. Then, my mind began to wander… I wonder if the teacher called the nurse to make sure I made it there.

And then a thought occurred to me. “Serenity, what are you doing out here? Don’t you have a class?”

A blush appeared on her features again. “I, uh, yeah I have a class right now. I was in my French class when I saw you rush out of the building. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, so I told Mme Connors that I was going to find the subject for my project.”

“Right. The one where you have to interview someone from her upper classes.”

“Yeah.”

“Who’s the actual subject for your project?”

“You are.” she assured me. “I swear you are my subject. I hadn’t been able to figure out who you were though. Funny thing is, I’d just met you at lunch, which leads me to my next question. Why does everyone call you Rae if your name is Dominique?”

I knew I was frowning from the sudden concerned look that appeared on her face. “My name is Raeshawn Palmer. My ‘mother’, Carey, decided to change my name when I was in the 7th grade. I never agreed to it, but she did it anyway.”

“Why would she do that? And why did you put quotations around the word mother?”

“Because she’s a bitch and she stopped being my mother a long time ago.” I shook my head at her, irritation starting to get the best of me. “Change the question please. I don’t have enough control to continue this conversation without doing or saying something I might regret.”

“Why would you lose control?”

“I have ADHD, Serenity. I figured Junior would have told you that by now.”

She frowned at me, her eyes scanning me over a bit more critically. “No, he never mentioned it. But, if it helps, my little brother has ADHD too.” Her face suddenly lit up. “That’s why you keep doing that tapping thing on your leg!” she exclaimed. “It’s a way to release the energy elsewhere. My little brother does the same thing, only he does it with his foot.”

“Pretty much,” I responded with a shrug. I turned and began walking around the track with her following closely at my side.

“Okay, new question. Thong or no thong?” she demanded, her expression wicked.

I smirked right back at her. “No thong. Those things go so far up people’s asses they get shit stains for days.”

A melodious laugh burst from her and I watched the way she smiled as she did so. Her smile was slightly crooked in a lopsided sort of way which made her seem more real and less perfect. Her eyes seemed to smile with her. She shook her head, her eyes glimmering with leftover mirth. “I’m not even gonna ask how you figured that out.” she chuckled. “How about….. If you were stranded on an island, what’s the first thing you’d look for?”

“Freshwater.” I answered without hesitation.

“Why water?” she countered, her head tilted to the side in that way she does when she’s thinking.

I shrugged at her. “A human can survive almost a month without food, but they will only last about 72 hours without water.” When I saw the way she was looking at me, I quickly explained how I knew that. “My dad and I got lost camping once and the first thing we looked for was a source of fresh water. He told me that no matter what, always check for water. Where there is water, there is food. And where there is food, there is a damn good chance we’ll make it out alive. It was the best two weeks of my life.”

I didn’t realize I was crying until Serenity gently wiped away a tear. I sniffed and wiped my face, doing my best to push away the memories of daddy and lock them back into the closet at the back of my mind. I mentally chastised the guards and their dogs for not guarding the door better, telling them I don’t pay them to slack off. Knowing that even to me that shit was crazy, I shook my head and looked back at Serenity. “Next question, please.”

“Uhm, okay.” she appeared slightly unsure, but she caved and asked me the next question. “If you woke up one day and found out you were turned into a guy for a day, what’s the first thing you’d do?”

“Pee on a tree.” I’ve always wanted to do it, so there would be no way I’d pass that up.

“What the heck?” She laughed at my answer. “Pee on a tree? Why?”

“As a female, I don’t get a lot of opportunities to take a leak in public outside of a bathroom stall.”

“I guess I can live with that. What do you want to do with your life?”

I gazed up at the sky, thinking about how I should answer that. “I don’t know, Serenity. I never really thought about it.” I shrugged at her, unsure as to whether or not my answer would suffice.

“Well, what do you see the future you doing? Where do you see yourself living? Do you have a family? Are you married? Have a job? Hobbies?”

“My future? I never really think past today. The present. That’s all that really matters to me.”

“So you’re an ‘in the now’ kind of person. Okay. That’s worth remembering for the next time I ask you a question that deals with the future.” She tilted her head at me again, a look of understanding crossing her features. “You hate to talk about your past, but you don’t particularly like to discuss your future either.”

“That’s because I don’t have one.” I mumbled quietly to myself.

She whirled around in alarm. “What did you just say?”

“Nothing.”

“That wasn’t nothing, Rae. What the hell did you just say?” Her eyes were slightly clouded with fear. “Rae, I need to know that I imagined what just came out of your mouth. Please.”

I shook my head at her. “Come on, Serenity. Just let it go. It’s not important.”

She leapt in front of me, preventing me from walking any further. “The hell it isn’t, Rae. You said you don’t have a future. Why would you say that?”

My breath came out ragged, my anger starting to flare up for no reason as I glared at her. “Why the hell would you care? You don’t fucking know me, Serenity! No one does!” I threw my hair up into a loose bun and stared her down. My breathing was coming out uneven from the rage and despair slowly suffocating me. How dare she demand that I explain myself to her? This is none of her damn business. I scrubbed my hand down my face, trying to ease the ache in my chest threatening to overwhelm me. “Please, just let it go, Serenity. I don’t--- I can’t---- I just---- fuck. Why is this so damn hard?! Can we please talk about something else?”

She studied me, worry and concern at the forefront of her eyes, but I could see little glimmers of curiosity here and there as well. Apparently seeing something telling her to back off, she sighed and relented. “Fine, but we will have to talk about it eventually, Rae.” I really don’t like that response, but I guess I can live with it for now. “What’s your favorite animal?”

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. This is an easy question. “The white Bengal tiger.”

“Why so specific?”

“Because they’re being slaughtered for their fur and their teeth. Alive, they are beautiful and powerful and majestic. They are poetry in motion. Every single one of them is different and special in their own right. Different stripes. Different manes. Different temperaments. They keep to themselves and try to avoid conflict with each other unless they are fighting over females or defending cubs or simply defending their territories. But they are being killed ruthlessly and without care. And then to make up the loss in the population, people have decided to inbreed them. It’s sick really, but what can you do?” I looked over at her and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry. I’m rambling. It’s just--- when I think about them, it gets me heated all over again. People never stop to think about how they’re affecting those around them and how their decisions lead to inevitable catastrophes.”

Serenity frowned at me, her eyes appearing to watch me a little too closely for my liking. While she was quiet, I took the chance to look her over. She was a bit shorter than me, the top of her head coming to about my nose. She had her auburn hair ending in a slight curl just above her shoulders. She wore a lemon yellow crop top with light blue skinny jeans and a pair of sandals.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re talking about more than just a tiger?”

I looked up, caught off guard by the question. “You just like to read too much into a simple phrase.”

“Yeah, okay.” she countered sarcastically. “Anyways, why ‘Widow’?”

“What?”

“Your nickname that Natasha calls you. Why does she call you that?”

“Well, when I found out her middle name was Harley, I immediately started calling her ‘Quinn’, short for Harley Quinn, because I love that crazy bitch.” I grinned at her. “She calls me ‘Widow’ because my favorite anti-hero is Black Widow. I sort of look up to her because I can sort of relate to her in some ways.” I shrugged at her, not having any other reason that I’d be able to put into words for her.

“Okay, how would you describe your relationship with your family?”

“Ha! As if that were easy to explain.” I chuckled without humor. “Where do I even start? I guess I’ll start with Junior since you know him so well. When he and Joe first moved in, I didn’t really take it too well. It felt like we were betraying my father somehow. I like Junior. It’s weird having a step-brother. It’s like finding a piece of a puzzle you never knew was missing until you discovered it. He helps to bring the sunshine and rainbows back into the house. That’s just the kind of person he is, which I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out after dating him for like, a year.” Then, I remembered the way he’d acted today and anger tore through me. I might have to castrate him, grill his balls, and then feed them to him.

“Okay, doing good so far. What about your sister?”

I forced myself to calm down and think a bit more rationally. “Lexi? Well, when we were younger, we got along pretty well. I mean, she spent most of her time with Carey while I spent as much time with daddy as I could. She loved being a cheerleader and when she tore her ACL, it was practically the end of the world to her.” I chuckled, remembering how she became the epitome of drama for 3 months before moving on to her next favorite activity, screwing her boyfriend, Derrick Walters. “She’s hopelessly in love with her quarterback boyfriend, Derrick Walters and has been since she first laid eyes on him 4 years ago. The guy is just as smitten with her. But, after----- she and I pretty much just stopped talking. We glance at each other and acknowledge each other, but she doesn’t speak to me. Sometimes, I think she blames me, but then again, she doesn’t even know just how involved I am. No one does.”

She appeared to stop and think for a moment before motioning for me to continue.

“Uh, I think I have a pretty decent relationship with Joe. I really like the guy, but he keeps trying to talk to me and punish me like he’s my father or something. We’re cool, but not that cool. I can live with having him in the house with us and married to the she-devil, but he can’t boss me around and act like he’s my father. He’s not and I need him to understand that. I have---- had a father, and I don’t need nor do I want another one. But then, when he looks at me in disappointment, it makes me feel some kind of way, like I want his approval or something. It makes me mad beyond belief and there’s nothing I can do to make it go away.”

“Okay, so you’re confused about how you feel about Mr. Farley. What about your mom?”

“She’s not my mom.” I was quick to reply. “She’s just the surrogate. There’s nothing all that interesting about our relationship or should I say absence of one. We were pretty much cordial with each other before Joe, but after him, our interactions are kept to the extremely bare minimum. I hate her, she hates me. That’s all there is to it.”

She frowned at that. “Please tell me you’re joking! Mrs. Farley is really nice and actually kind of funny.”

“Yeah? Well, you don’t know her like I do.” I glanced at her once more before noticing the girls’ basketball coach, Coach Breach, walking towards us.

As soon as she reached us, she began to grill us about why we weren’t in class, especially Serenity. That caught my attention. “Why are you so upset with Serenity? We’re both out here.”

Coach Breach brushed her dirty blonde hair out of her face and glanced at me. “Serenity is on my basketball team and I can’t afford to have my star player riding bench for having a low GPA and absences.”

Serenity appeared slightly upset, looking up at her coach through her lashes. “I’m sorry, coach. But I’m actually doing classwork for my French class.” She went on to explain what the project is and what she is supposed to do for it as well as what liberties she get in order to complete it.

“Alright, Serenity. I’ll let it go just this once. You ladies make sure you’re not late to your next class.” She pivoted on her heel and walked back towards the building.

As soon as she was a good distance away, Serenity and I looked at each other and burst into giggles.