My story

4/11/14

It's

Currently 12:35 am.

And I'm feeling more suicidal than ever to be honest.

I made my mom cry because I can't stand being touched for long periods of time.

My mom feels horrible. She cried. It's all my fault. I can't even talk to Alyssa about it because her mom sucks and grounded her for being depressed. Seems ligit.

I now know my aunt was raped.

And that my grandma (moms mom) could be the root source of my depression.

I'm sorta mad that I can't get up from my bed and get my blades. Yet my mom is listening probably.

My mom also knows I swear on the Internet, I think. Oops.

I told my mom about the day of silence it's today, 4/11, and she got 'mad'. She told me that of I didn't want to talk all day that I could go straight home, and sit in my room the rest of the day.

I'm hearing noises and I'm scared. I'm writing this under my blanket and am just freaked out.

Funny hoe I'm less depressed yet I'm more suicidal than ever.

I'm clawing at my arms and neck and I just want to die.

Because who the fuck cares.

I'm the friend that's 'There'.

I only exist. Me killing myself is a damn favor to everybody.

My parents world be sad though. Maybe other people.

Maybe my 'boyfriend' I say '' because its not really a relationship. My friend (who is also his friend) is pissed about me being uncomfortable. But I don't want to break up with him because I don't want to hurt him.

I don't know why I call this My Self Harm Story. It's more like I Want to Kill Myself.

---

Sorry. After that I fell asleep.

Also sorry if I repeat given information. But I detailed it out more now.

---

It's exactly 11:05 pm.

Me and my mom just had a huge conversation.

As you readers know I go to a therapist. On our Thursday session we found a root source for quite a few of my problems, my grandmother.

Yes, a person in your life that's never supposed to hurt you, makes you somewhat insane, great, right.

My mom feels very bad about leaving me with her mom. She didn't know, yet she's a parent, so of course she'd feel that way.

A question you may be asking right now is.

Heyy, kayla. What did your grandma do to make

You so crazy?

Well reader here's a list of shit.

•she'd claw you with her nails constantly

•she'd get mad if you loved anyone else but her

•If you were the slightest bit away from her she's flip the fuck out

•she'd lock me in the back room

•she'd make you make your decisions around her

That's only some of the things she did to me

In 8 years.

My mom and aunt had to live with her until they were 18

My grandma does have mental issues, she also refuses to get help.

She was very, cuddly, with my aunt. I don't know, or want to know, the details of that shit. I also was told my aunt was raped when she was younger, a few days ago.

My grandma tried to kill my mom with a baseball bat when she was younger. Hated my mom because her dad loved her a lot. Forced my mom to do almost everything around the house. (My mom was trying to make dinner, had water boiling, and dropped it, leaving a whole layer of her skin peeled off [she still has the scars] and her mom wouldn't take her anywhere to get it treated). I know, I could go on this topic for days.

Now lets do the Karkat thing and go backwards. (If you aren't a homestuck that means I'm going to go from the end of my day to the beginning.) Because I'm cool like that.

So. I woke up pissed off. Like sad and mad. A common feeling for me, being an insomniac that gets on average of 30 hours of sleep a week or less. But usually this feeling would leave and be all fine and well what I consider fine.

Today it stayed. I had bad anxiety today. You could touch me for about 5 seconds before I would get uncomfortable and not be able to handle it. This caused a lot of people to think I was mad at them.

I feel bad about this still.

We had this assembly today, for getting to our reading book, ar, goal thing, and I got caught in the middle of crowds, this caused me to start having a anxiety attack, couldn't find my friend, and someone got really mad at me, someone told me to shut up (I will seriously 99% of the time stop talking and hate myself) and felt another anxiety attack coming on.

So. My anxiety was so high like 2 anxiety attacks against each other plus the after school dance thing.

I'm on my schools stage crew. The teacher hates me. No one has balls enough to tell her what's wrong with the crew or stuff. So I always have to do it.

Remind you I'm on the verge of a fucking break today. She calls me a ball of bad news. After her threatening to duck tape my mouth shut and her telling me she wanted me to die, yea, I didn't appreciate it.

She must have noticed that I had something wrong, everyone did, so she told me it wasn't my fault. Like that's supposed to fucking help. Not to mention she didn't let my friend who gets really really bad headaches when she's dehydrated not letting her get water (I may pass out right now I'm so tired) so I had to scramble to get water.

(I know nobody reads this but if you want give me questions)

So that's all for today.

MY PM BOX IS ALWAYS OPEN SO IS ANON ON TUMBLR

Stand

4 the

Silent

SPEAK UP!

<3