Let Me Love You

Chapter 15

For the next week Troy had been telling me "You'll get over me eventually, Don't be jealous if i date other girls etc" I didn't want this to be the end of something that was so amazing, we still had phone calls and for a while he kept saying "I have an urge to ask you out again", as confusing as it was he said he still had feelings for me and then he said he didn't and then said he did. During the first week i didn't talk much, mainly just cried. I had cut his name into my thigh because of how much i missed him and was starving myself, i felt so broken and empty all at once. Sadness isn't even the proper word to use to describe how i felt, and no matter what i did i couldn't stop thinking about him. My best friends Caroline and Dalton were supporting me the best they could, and no matter what it just seemed to worsen by the day. It got so hard not saying i love you to him, and the times i did he first off started saying it back and then stopped and said "I'm not saying it anymore because i'm trying to forget those feelings". So all those times he said if i got help and stuff again he will date me if i was better, and when he kept saying "I will always be in love with you" i couldn't understand what to feel, so many times a day i questioned is he playing with my feelings, because he doesn't understand his own? And maybe he was, and didn't realise how much he killed me when he kept asking me to move on.

-------

Troy and i remained friends for a while, and still occasionally spoke in person until he asked me to stop hanging out with his friend, causing me to go back to my old group of friends. At first it was hard and i was rather stubborn, but they were his friends to begin with so i had no choice but to go. One of his mates had been supporting me a fair bit, and even tried coming up with ideas to get us back together , Which i will explain later. Troy then became someone i was scared of, calling me things he promised me never to call as he's not that type of guy, having mental breakdowns once a week he then accused me of things i had no idea was happening. During this time i had tried to attempt suicide 5 times because of how depressed i was getting, going to school was getting harder and harder and i was nearly hospitalised twice because of how depressed i was. 

 -------

For a while at school year 9 girls gave me shit, and to this day still do and i have been told to kill myself a fair few times because of how i hurt Troy and it was all my fault i never seemed to be able to escape from it, even though Troy had blocked me for things i was posting, i still wanted to talk to him some how, i still would have done anything to be with him, and i know it was so selfish of me to want him so bad, but i knew i was in love with him, he was like a drug and i was highly addicted, and once he left i craved it even more. i had begun stealing alcohol from my parents liquor cabinet and started drinking really bad, i didn't know what to do because even though it was bad, it made me forget what i had lost for a while.  

   -------  

Recently Troy had posted a song about me, and to begin with it had killed me, listening to it for a solid hour and memorising the lyrics i cried so hard for what felt like a while. I didn't know what to feel, it made me feel like shit because even though i already knew it was my fault i didn't want to remember it anymore. After listening to it i felt like he still had feelings for me, but he didn't and i didn't want to think about it anymore. I felt like shit once again and so i cut.