Sincerely, Mike

02: Birthdays

What was roughly two weeks' time saw no change in Mike's life. He still continued on with the same waiting routine day in and day out, and his guilt still hadn't begun its gradual fade into nonexistence. He still spent his life waiting on the arrival of a response letter that he had now begun to doubt would ever even exist.

His fear that Billie's condition had worsened grew with every passing day. The silence on Billie's end of a sort of metaphorical telephone had long since bypassed deafening and now become extremely concerning.

It was never possible for Mike to keep Billie out of his mind for more than a minute. He saw Billie in everything he did, every place he went, every sound he heard, every last little intricate detail he observed in the world.

But today, as he stood at the counter of what he knew to be Billie's favorite local sweet shop, filling out an order form for the birthday cake he planned to ship to him, he found it especially impossible to keep his suffering best friend out of his mind.

"Happy...birthday...Billie Joe," Mike whispered under his breath as he scrawled the words into a blank space on the order form.

Reading the line back after doing so, he decided that it simply wouldn't do and erased it.

"Happy...fortieth...birthday...Billie," he tried, nodding to himself in approval after reading it back and deciding he preferred the sound of that.

His eyes then moved down the form to a box that asked for details in regards to the decoration of the cake.

Having known this particular store took decorative requests, Mike reached into the woolen pocket of his coat and pulled out an old, glossy piece of paper.

His thumb glided over the smooth sheet as he stared at it blankly, Billie's beloved Blue staring right back at him.

The thought that Billie may very well never play his beloved guitar again sent a shiver down Mike's spine.

Knowing all too well that this was neither the time nor the place for that, he quickly brushed the thoughts away, attempting to distract himself by clipping the picture behind the order form with a nearby stray paper clip and scribbling into the corresponding blank space, "see attachment".

He then moved on to the sections asking about flavors, where he checked the boxes that requested the cake be made of cookies and embellished with chocolate frosting, both of which he knew to be Billie's favorites.

Though he continued to make a noble attempt to quiet his mind by completing the form, he just couldn't get the damn picture of the guitar out of his head.

It pained Mike to remember the birthday on which Billie had received his precious Blue.

It was the first thing that had made him genuinely happy since the passing of his father.

Something about that guitar had brought a smile unlike any other to Billie's face; something about that guitar held such an extraordinary, inexplicable emotional value to Billie, one that transcended all time and understanding.

The happiness and joy that the humble instrument brought his friend was unmistakable and absolutely remarkable in every way.

Experiencing those feelings alongside his very best of friends every night was half of what made playing in Green Day so incredible for Mike.

The very thought-the very inconceivable notion- that Billie may very well never again lay a finger on his precious guitar or even feel the pure joy that it brought him shook Mike to the core.

It hurt him in every conceivable way to think that Billie would be suffering so much on a day he cherished so deeply.

Always a family man, Billie loved his birthday more than any other day of the year. Not because of the presents, or even the food for that matter, but because of the fact that he had always been grateful to have made it through another year of life and have been surrounded by so many people he loved so deeply throughout it.

Only, this year, he would spend his favorite day of the year suffering, and possibly- dare Mike even think it- dying in a hospital bed, completely alone and just barely holding onto what was left of his life by a thin thread.

'Some birthday,' Mike thought to himself cynically. 'He deserves so much better.'

At this point, that went without saying.

Sighing, Mike finished up his half-assed attempt at filling out the cake form and slid it over to the girl behind the counter, barely picking up on a word she said to him after the fact. The only words out of her mouth that he legitimately comprehended were "pick it up" and "three hours".

Nodding in acknowledgment and murmuring a goodbye to the cashier, he turned on his heels and shuffled out of the bakery, stuffing his fists in his pockets and hanging his head in resignation.

Slowly, he trudged back to his car, his mind whirling with thoughts of Billie and all the millions of other things he still had to do that day.

He threw himself into the driver's seat with a huff, settling in and then reaching over into the center console to pull out the to-do list his wife had written for him in an attempt to help him "fix his life".

Pick up the dry cleaning, take the dog to the vet, pick Brix up from soccer practice, stop by CVS to get some wrapping paper and a birthday card, return the itchy sweater he had bought last week to the mall...the list went on.

How little he wanted to do with any of that.

A sudden rush of anger coming over him, he crumpled the paper into a ball and chucked it at the windshield, forcing himself further into the seat with an angry huff and watching the wad of paper disappear under the passenger seat.

How could he possibly do any of that when Billie was suffering, dying even, alone and devoid of joy on such an important day of the year?

For what must have been the millionth time that month alone, Mike found himself uttering the truest truth he knew.

"God, he doesn't deserve this."

Tears now streaming down his cheeks, Mike rested his head against the uppermost part of the wheel, sighing deeply and relinquishing his power over the tears at the back of his eyes that were demanding to break free.

"All I want is for him to come back home already," Mike whispered to himself, wiping a tear on his coat sleeve. "I just want him to know how much I miss him...how much he means to me..."

Azure eyes heavy with tears slowly and lazily scanned the interior of the car as the distraught Mike shifted in his seat and rested his head on his forearms. As he wiped the tears from his eyes, they soon focused on a certain piece of paper lying crumpled on the seat across from him.

"Don't be ridiculous, there's no point in writing another letter just to get yourself worked up over," a voice in his head told him. "He never answered the others, so why would he answer this one? Don't even bother."

Mike acknowledged the certain truth his conscious whispered to him. Yes, it was true, he was unlikely to ever receive an answer.

But that hadn't stopped him before, so why should he let it stop him now?

Even if he never received a response, for all he knew, Billie very well may have been reading his letters all along, and what mattered most to him at the end of the day was that Billie was reading the letters and understanding the sentiments they conveyed.

So why not write? If there was ever a time, it was now.

He didn't have anything to lose.

Sighing deeply, he reached over the center console and picked up the wad of paper, unfolding it and smoothing it out on the dashboard. He fished a pen out of the storage compartment on the door next to him and gave it a sharp click, biting his lip as he did so.

He stared at the paper long and hard before deciding that he was fully committed to writing yet another letter, but once his decision was finally made, he had no issues with and felt no pain in letting his feelings spill onto the paper in scratchy waves of blotted blue ink.

-
hey y'all I'm back! Updating should be back to the regular schedule for now. Who knows how it'll get once I actually get deeper into the school year, but as of now, the regular update schedule still stands. anyways hope you're enjoying thus far, and feel free to leave me your thoughts in the comments!
~Jay