Sincerely, Mike

MARCH 06 2012

MARCH 6 2012-actually this time

Dear Billie,

Look, buddy- I don't know if you're reading these, or even getting them for that matter, but if you for whatever reason saw that letter dated to yesterday...disregard everything I said.

Completely.

I was highly emotional and totally not in a good place while writing that. I was tired, I was upset, I was scared, I was too busy listening to and obeying a voice that was not my own.

I know hindsight is 20/20, but really, why was I so fucking quick to abandon the standards and deeds I had sworn by up until that day just because some drunk asshole told me to? Why would I ever even consider that standing by you, continuing to have a shred of hope, and just simply holding onto whatever was left was pointless or stupid?

I couldn't even fully accept it at first, it sounded that fucking ridiculous to me.

I honestly can't even begin to tell you what the fuck got into me yesterday. Maybe I had just been hearing it from Tré for way too long and finally cracked under the pressure of the horror show I witnessed yesterday. Maybe I just didn't want to be told I was wrong anymore. Maybe it was just the nonsensical product of cracking, sleep deprived mind. I really don't know.

Shit.

I feel awful about having the fucking balls to even send that to you. Please understand that it was really late when I wrote and sent that, I wasn't thinking straight; just pretend I never even wrote it and shred it like the nonsensical garbage it is.

Don't hold onto it.

It's just an irrelevant battle scar from a conflict between me and Tré that has thankfully since been resolved...to a certain extent, anyway.

Speaking of Tré, you're not gonna believe this, but the guy's going straight sober. Cold turkey, too. I guess he finally saw the painful irony in using alcohol as an escape from all this and decided that he couldn't take his drunk self anymore.

I say good riddance, he had changed a lot since he had started to drink more heavily over the course of the past two months and today he was already noticeably different. More levelheaded, rational, clearer.

He says he's doing it all for you.

I thought that- alongside the massive ass apology he gave me-was really fucking mature of him. It takes a lot of balls to admit you were wrong or have a problem, and those aren't things he usually does.

I'm proud of him.

But I kinda fucked the peace we made up already.

Leave it to me, right?

We were at Swensen's eating ice cream and I had a little bit of an episode. I just couldn't take it, we were at your favorite place eating your favorite food without you. And I guess I just...really couldn't take the sight of Spazzy. He reminds me way too much of you and it was bumming me the hell out. I let the thoughts fester for too long and then I freaked out on Tré with no explanation and made him take me home. I refused to say a word to him the whole drive to my house, I never gave him rhyme or reason.

Which, knowing him, I'm sure pissed him off.

Which brings us right back to square one again.

So much for that hour and a half of peace.

I guess it would've been nice otherwise, I don't know...I mean, it was obviously nice to see them both so happy for the first time in a while, but...I'd be lying if I said I thought the happiness would last.

Everything in life just seems so...transient with you gone.

Nothing is ever really definite or real anymore.

It's all like some kind of awful fever dream you can't wake up from.

It's fucking everybody up. That much is for sure.

I've only put in a sparse word or two on Spazzy because I don't want to make things any worse than they already are for you, but I really think you should know that the poor kid is legitimately broken without you.

He's brattier than ever during the day, and a complete depressed mess at night. He never stops asking for you, and he really only stops crying when he falls asleep. Tré's taken him to the doctor, but they can't really do much.

I know I've said it a thousand times before but I really don't see much harm in saying it a thousand and one- if the fact that the kid is a complete fish out of water without you doesn't prove that you're not even close to being as shitty of a dad as you think yourself to be, then I don't know what in hell's ever-loving toilet seat does.

The more I think about Spazzy, the worse I feel. He really doesn't deserve this bullshit...he's a year old for crying out loud, and he's already been through enough during that one year of life as is...I don't understand why the fuck they can't let him see you for even the shortest second.

As much as seeing the physical and psychological effects this is having on him hurts, what gets me the most is the fact that I can't help but feel indirectly responsible for all of it.

I know I've beat that dead horse to a second and possibly even third death by now, but I genuinely do feel that all of this could have been prevented if I had just opened my damn mouth and started caring way earlier.

But, of course, that's the kind of thing that we, being the shitty creatures we are, never realize fully until it's far too late.

So now I have to live with my shitty decisions.

And honestly, everything would be fine if I was the only one who had to deal with their consequences; as far as I'm concerned, I deserve them.

But the fact that you, Spazzy, Tré, everyone, has to live with them also is what makes me feel this putrid and debilitating sort of self-hatred.

I deserve everything that came out of my silence, my carelessness, and my failure to act.

Your son does not.

Tré does not.

You do not.

I'm so fucking sorry.

Jesus Christ, Billie.

I still don't know how you're doing due to the slightly inconvenient fact that nobody at this stupid place tells us shit, and I've most certainly been losing sleep and sanity over that, but I really hope that you're at least at peace.

That's really just about all I can do at this point.

You're in my thoughts constantly. You're still just as valid a cause as you ever were. You're loved and missed a butt fucking ton.

Please write back soon.

Sincerely,
Mike
-
W o w. Two chapters in ~technically~ the same day, I'm in the zone. I guess after every long writer's block comes a little divine inspiration.

The next chapter is already in the works. It's a big one. Be ready for a barrage of backstory facts.

This has been "Jay trying to squeeze as many chapters as she can in before spring break ends" with Jay. Hope you've enjoyed.

I need to go finish the next chapter. Have fun kiddos.

~Jay