Okay... I realized a comment I left on YourLocalNoodles_X3 's story was a little depressing. And I'm going to explain
First, I really do look down on myself. Everyday I think that I'm just doing worse than I did yesterday. "My art looked like it had so much more effort yesterday than today" "I've created more problems over the littlest things for my mother, who's doing everything she can to keep me alive and healthy. And I repay her by not doing the simplest things. The dishes, cleaning up, saying thank you"
I make so many decisions that I ashamed of. I make so many decisions that hurt other people.
I make so many decisions that hurt me
You may be thinking "Wow this sounds so fake. You seem like such a wonderful person!"
I'm not.
I have my flaws. Sometimes I dislike the way I look, talk, even my own damn existence.
And I don't even care if you bother to listen to what I say! You may just scroll past this chapter and not even pay attention. And guess what
I don't care
I only made a Wattpad because I wanted to get constructive criticism on my writing. I only publish these chapters to get things off my chest. I only did this because this is somewhere my mom wouldn't bother to look.
I don't want her to know I think of myself like this.
"Mani, are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Just focus on yourself."
"...Okay. Just tell me if you need to talk."
"Of course."
These are lies I tell my mom everyday.
I don't think I'm fine. I literally cried when a program leader at my summer school asked if I was okay. And nothing even happened. She simply asked, "Are you alright?"
And I cried. I can't deal with faking anymore.
I can't deal with faking my happiness anymore.
There are only a few, tiny, precious moments I can feel.
As I'm writing this I feel so fake. Earlier today I seemed so happy. And I was.
But not everyone can make me feel like that.
So please, don't ask me if I'm okay.
Don't ask me if I like anything about myself.
Don't ask me if I dislike anything about myself.
Ask if I need someone to talk to. I know there's one person who I can talk to. I'm sure they don't know who it is, but sometime.
So remember this the next time you ask if I'm okay. If I'm alright. If I need help.
Sorry, it's just stress, anxiety, and negative thoughts. Thanks for reading everyone. See you in the next chapter
"No, I'd rather just pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something better than this mess that I am, cause then I don't have to look at it. And no one gets to look at it, no, no one can really see." Dear Evan Hansen - Words Fail
