Holiest//Phan

17.

".....his name is phil."

"and you're ready to make love and have babies with him right?"

"no you idoit i'm not gay for phil."

"well you can't technically ' be gay' for anyone unless you're bisexual or something else where you can pick the sex of your partner. like if you're gay then you're gay for all of that sex. you probably don't have feelings towards them but you're technically 'gay' for them. unless you're bi or pan or-"

"okay smart ass i'm sorry i meant i don't have homosexual feelings towards him."

" then what's the problem?"

"i just i don't know. i have weird feelings towards him. like he's my friend and we're close, extremely close even after such a short time, but we're not like you and me close. just as close but in a different way. i can't explain it. i just have these super weird feelings towards him. like when he touches me it feels weird in my stomach and i always catch myself staring at him. i notice weird and probably unnoticeable things about him. like how his eyes aren't just blue but also green and yellow and how he always seems to do what's in everyone around him's best interest but forgets to make sure it's in his too. how he can make everything a dirty joke yet he can make even a dirty joke seem innocent. and he always seems to know just what to say to make me smile and always makes the right choice even when he thinks no one's watching. i don't know what it is about philip but something about that boy intrigues me."

matt and i sit in silence for a while reflecting on what i just said.

"listen dan. i know what you're going to say about this but here me out. i think you're head over heels in love with this guy. i get that it's a sin or whatever but do you really think that your god cares about that? in the grand scheme of things isn't it all really about how you lived your life and treated those around you? god has a plan for everyone right? well i doubt that if your god truly had a problem with you liking a boy then he wouldn't have made you do so. i'm not telling you to come out of the closet or that you're even gay but i am telling you to consider the possibility that you at least like this guy more than a friend. just think, what would your mom tell you to do, she'd say 'follow your heart first then use your mind when you're done.' so i advise to do just that."

i look at matt with tears in my eyes and hug him.

"thanks " i whisper.

"no problem man. but do me a solid and forget that speech. when it comes to your wedding day with this phil, i might want to use it again."

i punch him in the arm.

"ow!"