Holiest//Phan

25.

after a long and silent journey back we sit in silence, the car still off.

"i'm bipolar did you know? i'm not using it as an excuse for being a cunt but it's true." i say staring out the windshield in to the late afternoon sky, not turning to face phil.

"oh. no i had no clue."

"well i am. i take meds and everything.i also have anxiety disorder. schizophrenia also happens to run in my family. i'm 50 shades of fucked up." i laugh. phil stays silent so i continue.

"my mom was my best friend for the majority of my life, until she left i mean. her and my father had been happily married for 14 years before she left us, or so i thought. apparently during their whole marriage she had been batting with her 'sexual identity'. maybe not their whole marriage but definitely most of it. so one day four years ago my sister mary woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that mom and dad got in another fight and this one seemed really serious. they fought all the time so I figured she was being over dramatic until i saw the tears aggressively flowing down her face. so i got up and rushed downstairs just in time to see my mom walking out of the house with a suitcase in her hands towards her car. she must have heard me because she turned around one last time and said 'i love you danny' and with that i never saw or heard from my mother again. well she called once but both mary and i refused to talk to her because we heard she had gotten remarried and now mary and i have two red headed little sisters running around. after she left i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep and i stopped talking to everyone for two months until my best friend matt snapped some sense into me. what's bad about all of this is that the day before my mom walked out i was gonna tell my parents about terry. He was my first bestfriend, even before matt. he was my everything and i was his. but then to avoid depression my dad decided to take up part time as the local churches preacher and suddenly religion was brought into my life. terry hated it and he hated that i poured myself into a religion that celebrated hate for the way he was born so he cut me out of his life and i realized how pointless our friendship was. i realized that gay was wrong and that's we didn't work out. in retrospect i guess i kind of figured that my mother leaving some how had to do with my friendship with a homosexual so in a way i was glad it was over but losing my mother and my first friend all in the matter of under 6 months tore me."tears pour from my eyes and my throats closes up.

"i'm so sorry dan."

"i am too."