Holiest//Phan

29.

"dan open up. it's time for dinner."

i don't answer.

"dan i haven't seen you eat in three days."

still no answer.

"i haven't seen you like this not even when mom left. this isn't like you dan."

silence.

"or even terry."

nothing but quietness is met with my sister's words.

"i'm coming in."

i hear a loud creak and sense that my sister entered my room. i can only imagine her stunned face when she's met with the image of my pitch black and silent room.

"why is there a board over your window?"

"there was too much light." i whisper.

"dan."

i feel my bed dip.

"take your head out of the blankets and look at me."

i don't move.

"please."

the desperateness in her voice reminds me of when she tried to convince dad to let her pierce her bellybutton.

i peek my head out.

"oh my god dan, you look like shit."

i sit up and shrug.

"what's happened to you dan?"

i stare at the wall behind her.

"what happened to my big strong older brother that would tease me while beating the big bad boys away from me with a stick?"

"he's been gone for a long time."

it gets quiet.

"i know."

more quiet.

"but he was back for a while. only for a second, but he was here."

i look at her.

"i saw him. in your eyes. they'd come to life and i swear i saw the boy who would tell kyle mason that i had moved to australia with grandma just so I wouldn't have to say no to his marriage proposals." mary laughs, tears in her eyes.

i join in too. my dark room is filled with quiet laugher and the light from the open door reflecting off of my younger sister's tear streaked cheeks.

"i believed for just a brief second that maybe i brought the light back to you eyes. that maybe, just maybe, you noticed my efforts at trying to give you space and you-" her voice breaks.

"mary i-"

"no dan let me finish." she takes a deep breath and continues.

"but then i woke up and realized it wasn't me. i'm fine with that. i can except that i'm not the one who inspired your change. as long as you're happy then i'm happy ya'know? but what pisses me off is that when you're at your lowest the one person who made you the happiest i've ever seen doesn't seem to be here. And what pisses me off even more is that you don't seem to even realize who i'm talking about."

we once again sit in silence.

"the reason you're sad, it's phil isn't it?"

some how the silence gets even quieter as she says his name. the air impossibly thickens and the breath is sucked right out of me.

"he must be some boy if he can get this kind of reaction out of you. you weren't like even this after all that happened to you. terry, mom, watching over me while dad went into a depression, and then dad adopting and forcing on us a religion that we previously mocked. through all of that you stayed my strong big brother, maybe not the one that i'm used to but a more grown up version. well until you became brainwashed by that religion. even then though i saw a little bit of my danny in your eyes. but now when i look into your eyes i don't see you anymore, just a hollow shell of a boy i once use to know. now i don't know what went down but if phil is the one who brought back my brother then i need to thank him and wish with all of my heart that he'll give him to me again."

mary stands and wipes the tears off of  her face. for the first time in months i look into her eyes. i no longer see my cute baby sister who would try to put me in heels and do fashion shows, i see a grown woman with a deep pain behind her eyes yet she still manages to put on a friendly and brave smile for her family. 

she goes to walk out of the door.

"wait mary."

"hm?"

"i love you."

"i love you too big brother."