Just a poem I wrote for a local writing contest showing how hard it is to muddle through depression.
Alarm clock screeching its resounding melody, interrupting my dreamless sleep
Light on, unfolding into even the darkest corners of my room, shattering my crystal thoughts
Changing clothes; new, crisp, clean tucks and folds to straighten out my disheveled appearance
Ride to school, driven by someone I used to know so well, but now the word ‘hi’ stays in my throat, strangling
Pass all the strangers in the hall, eye contact: never.
Words spoken: none.
Tension: dense as concrete.
Words, words I need to say,
Words never said,
Implied,
Struggled,
Mind clogged but mouth not moving
Only the minimal for everything
No words,
No smiles,
No chatter,
No laughs; nothing funny
Pretend to care,
Pretend to be normal,
Pretend to be happy,
Pretend to live.
Act; act like I don’t have anything better to do
Act like I come from a normal family
Act like I’m the same person I was five years ago
Act like nothing has happened to change me
Final bell rings, resounding in the ominous fog of the recesses of my mind
Clear out the thoughts
Clear out the halls
Clear out for the day
Wander aimlessly through the corridors
Pushed and nudged by impatient superiors
I’m not here
I’m not important
I’m no one
Wait for my turn at my locker
In class
In line
In life
Pack up my valuables
Books
Homework I don’t intend on doing but everyone knows will miraculously get finished nevertheless
Trudge down the sidewalk, rain escaping from the clouds, releasing such beautiful chaos
Let it wash over me, coat me like the tears I know too well
Clean my mind; wash all impurities from my soul
Can it reach that deep? Penetrate the exoskeleton I’ve spent my life building upon?
Watch the people running to escape the corrosive effects of such purity on harsh, cruel humans
Don’t want it to reveal their real thoughts, emotions, personas they too have spent their life nurturing
Climb into another vehicle, driven by my own begetter
Reminding me how dependent I really am
A burden
Ride home in silence, nothing ever impressing me any more
No fears
No loves
No more energy to pretend to care that I mind
Enter the fortress
Castle crumbling at its foundation
But still home to me
Though it’s grown more unfamiliar year after lengthy year,
Time after disappointing time,
Memory after warped memory
Follow the warn path treaded each day
Scuffle toward the cubicle considered to be my chambers
Let my bag fall where it may, as it won’t see the light of day any time soon
Nor will I, as my weary cavity collapses deep into the springs of a hand-me-down mattress
I am not a princess
But a pea shall be felt
Each time I rest my head on the pillow
Slowly filling back up with smoke, smolder my dreams
The few remaining, trying to stay strong under the pesticides of harsh words sprayed daily
Even those dwindle and give in, fertilizing bare ground for all the weeds to take root
Morphed, twisted, blocking the moonlight from the unearthly places in the vast landscape of my mind
Run; run from whom I’ve been
Run from the future
Run from my demons, torturing the soft side; getting battle-ready, let them take over
Run to the light
Run to the hope
Run to save a life
Run to save my world
Consciousness
Seldom a thing sweeter than freeing oneself from the dark clouds
Turn on the light; flood each atom of myself in the peace
Bask in it
Then lie back down; hope to stay light
Keep repeating those hopes,
Those dreams,
Those compliments
But the demons pull me back down
Talons dig for visceral, damage what means the most
Fight; fight for the good
Fight for no one else but myself
But am I good enough
Am I worth enough to bother fighting for?
Eyes roll,
Eyes twitch,
Eyes open
Search the room; declare it safe
Turn off the light and put my soul to rest
Or the closest thing I can come to it
Dream of darkness, red the only vivid color my mind comprehends
Pain slashes the inner voids of my soul
Cracking it open
Almost catch a glimpse of who I really am
Until the alarm clock brings me back to reality
YOU ARE READING
Can You Hear Me?
شِعرPoetry by me-all original-about life, death, and everything inbetween. COVER ART DONE BY: WattMadchen1 Thank you so much! PHOTO BY: Me-edited before she did. I own the rights to original photo. :) -Chelly
