saturn

six

"i tried to write it down but I could never find a pen"

Four days. It has been four days since Thomas and Newt had their conversation. Truth is, Newt would do anything to be with his Tommy. There was just one thing stopping him.

"Hey, Newton. Are you going to come down for dinner?" he hears a voice call him and he turns to see his dads at his door.

"You know what, Dad? I'm not that hungry right now, I'll come down later." he smiles as he turns to face his empty notebook, his pen still in his hand.

The blonde felt an arm on his shoulder and he knows it was one of his dads. He turns to face him, gives him a smile before getting up and giving him a hug.

"You know you can always come and talk to me. I love you, my little golden boy." he hears his father say, ruffling his hair as he leaves.

Newt sighs in relief as he sits back in his desk chair, grabbing his pen and just sat there thinking. He wanted to tell the whole world that he was in love with Thomas but... he just couldn't. He didn't want to be seen differently. He wanted to write all his feelings, give them to Tommy and be done with it but he... couldn't. Something was stopping him and he didn't know what it was.

"For fuck sake!" he screams, grabbing the notebook and pen and throwing it against the wall.

He hated feeling vulnerable, he hated being confused. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to be with the brunette but then he felt like he couldn't because... because if he came out, everyone would shame him. They would shame his parents, who he unbelievably loved, for raising as a homosexual. He would be seen as 'different'.

Newt didn't want to be seen as 'different'. He wanted to be looked equally as everyone else. That's why he had to lie, that's why he lied to Thomas.

He couldn't be gay. For his own sake.

•••••

Thomas hears a tapping on his window and sees the blonde throwing stones. He smiles, rushing over and pushing it up, his head poking out. There was a brief silence between the boys, the wind whistling through the trees being the only sound. It wasn't until one spoke up when they caught eye contact.

"Thomas, I'm soo sorry. What I said about you... it was—"

"Don't say it. Don't say sorry."

"Why not?" the blonde questions, his eyebrows furrowing together.

"Because you shouldn't. It was a mistake, I got over it." the brunette answered, a small smile crossing his face as he shrugs.

"Thank you."

"And plus, I could never be angry at you. Not at that adorable face."

"Hey! I'm not adorable."

"Are too!"

This feud lasted another few minutes before both boys crack into laughter. They both felt at home, the only place that they could be themselves was with each other. They brought the best out of each other. That's what love is.

"So, what are you going to do? I mean, are you still going to hide or just admit to everyone that you like me?"

"You're still hung up on that, eh?"

"What else am I supposed to be hung up on? Newt, I love you... you know that. All I'm asking is, do you feel the same?"

Even though he knew he loved him, he did every since they met, he still wasn't ready. But he was determined. The only way he could get through all this was having Thoms by his side. That gave him the best feeling in the world.

"Tommy, I... I love you."

This gave the brunette shivers. Even though he had been watching for these words for a long time, he knew. He knew they weren't real.   

"You don't mean it. I can see it, Newt. You feel forced to say it."

"No—"

"Newton. Please. Don't speak to me until you mean it because right now, I know you don't."

•••••

well... typical me. tbh i was gonna have thomas accept it but then idk what I would do for the other half of the book. also, i love stirring up drama :) in books tho, not in real life. i ain't about that life.

Faiza :)