Corey Crowgarden's guide to killing vampires for fun and profit.

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by BillDurfy

by BillDurfy

I've always been interested in vampire hunters and have usually been disappointed by their stories.
So, I thought I'd give it a try.
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Lesson 1

Let me apologize in advance, I don't know that I'm much of a writer.

I'm dictating this on the notes on my phone, because you can do that sort of thing now. I also want to let you know what this is, and what it ain't.

This ain't a love story. I will not bore you with some contrived meeting between me and some sparkling abomination.

The only good vampire is a dead vampire, which covers all the bases; Since they are already dead. So no romance, no warm breath on the back of my neck sex play kisses. One, they don't breath, they just don't. They can pretend to breathe, make it look like they're breathing but it's a hoax. Even if they could, which they can't, but even if they could it would be cold as a serpent. They don't generate heat. They are the picture in the dictionary of the phrase stone cold killer. So, even if the GQ wannabe fanger came tripping off the cover of VQ, he would not want your love, or your understanding or any of that crap. He is as romantically interested in you as an alcoholic is in a bottle of scotch.

They don't need love, they don't need affection. They don't need money, or fashion or cars or any of that.

They want blood, and honestly probably not even your blood. They've got everything they need.

The only fanger that walks around a city putting a bite on anyone is a loner, and independent. They don't last long, they are either on their way out of town or on their way out of unlife.

Let me explain how vampire unlife works. I'll go into more detail, hopefully, but here is the coles notes version. You don't need much of a population to support a few fangers, you just need a place big enough that everyone doesn't know everyone else's business. Pretty much any town where the cops can be rented, they will set up shop. They like to use a title like "Lord, Prince, or King," but it's all the same. There is one, the smartest or the toughest, that calls the shots.

Now, this has all been around forever, and the players change for the cops, but not the robbers.

But it goes kind of like this, Lord what's it of Whoville (about 50,000ish city) talks to a high end cop, someone who has a little authority. Says "I'm gonna be your best friend. Gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. I'm gonna help you make Whoville great again." It's always the same kind of fanger, the one that can make you do what your told, make you think it was your idea and make you forget he ever visited.

"Here's what you're gonna do," says Lord What's it, "you're gonna round up every lowlife and dirtbag in this town. Every problem child"

"What about warrants?" Says the baconator.

"Good point, don't worry about warrants. Round them up and bring them to me."

He's gonna wipe their brain, so clean they won't know what hit them, just like he's gonna do to the Chief of Whoville's finest, the Baconator.

Who can only nod and say yup.

So he rounds them all up. He brings them to a tower, like a big apartment building. First, he holds an auction, selling off blood bags, but they don't go away. Each fang has his private little herd, and a floor in the tower. He can drop by anytime and feed from one of his blood bags, but he can only feed here. He buys his herd with vials of blood, so Lord What's it can keep tabs on all the fangers. If you cross the law you end up in a camp like this, with maybe a visit from officer fanger or his mook.

So, if you decide not to dine at burger Count Dracula, lord what's it will take you out.

Consider that lesson 1

Sent from my iPhone