Silenced

Chapter 23- Better Things

Chapter 23

Better Things

Kaiser Donovan

I hugged my blanket around myself, pulling my knees to my chest.

There was a lot going on around me but I couldn't focus on that. I was stuck on what had happened.

I saw him. He was here. But he didn't see me. So why was he here?

I heard the chatter of my dad and his detective friends. I was in his office, at his job. He came for me after I had talked to August.

I actually said something to him. I closed back up after realizing what I had done.

You're worthless, my memories raged.

I closed my eyes tightly hoping that it would shut item out.

You're nothing. Useless. No one is looking for you. But I'll take care of you. Because I love you, but you have to stay quiet.

I shut them tighter.

Shut up!, I yelled in my head.

I love you but you have to stay quiet.

I but my lip hard, drawing blood. My eyes watered. I wanted to go home. I wanted to go sleep. I wanted to go away.

You have to stay quiet.

I sniffled and wiped my eyes when I heard the door open.

Quiet.

My dad walked in. He looked down at me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I nodded. He sighed as if he were disappointed. He probably was. Why wouldn't he be, with me as his only child? His only family?

"August said that you talked. You said that you saw him."

I nodded.

"Are you sure? Because fear can make your mind play games on you."

He didn't believe me, I thought as I nodded again.

Of course, he didn't. No sane person would. Why would he?

I sighed. I unconsciously scratched the inside of my thigh. My fingers traced the fading scars. I moved my hand away and made a fist.

You don't get to do this, Kai. You don't get to fall back into your pit of despair, I told myself.

I tightened my fist and kept control of my breathing.

I was such a mess. And I hated it.

***

I stared at the ceiling of my room.

The stars didn't look as bright as they did at night but the comfort was still there.

My eyes darted between the bathroom door and the ceiling. They lingered on the door but I forced them back to the ceiling.

I forced myself to think about good things. About happy things. I couldn't let the bad thoughts in.

My eyes wandered back to the door.

But why not? What's the point? I say up, my eyes staying on the door.A thought passed through my head, making my whole body jump up.

I turned so that half of my body was hanging over the edge. I looked at the things under my bed. They had managed to pile up again.

I started pulling things out in search of one thing. After a couple of minutes, I saw it.

I rolled off of the bed and pulled it out. My journal.

When I had first started with Ms. McCain, she had suggested that I get a journal. A book in which I could write down all the things that I wanted to say but couldn't.

I flipped through it. My last entry had been over a year ago. I found a blank page. Grabbing a pen from my desk, I started to write.

I wrote about when August came to pick me up and take me to school. I wrote about when I went to August's house and he kissed me. I wrote about my new friend. I wrote about how I was finally, finally feeling good about myself, about life. And then I wrote about him, how I saw him and how I lost that feeling.

My hand was shaking by the time that I was done. I sniffled. I surprisingly felt better. Who would've thought that therapists are actually right? I laughed to myself. I should listen to her more.

I thought about what happened, actually focusing on it.

Victoria and I had just pulled into the parking lot. It had taken a lot but she had convinced me to go out for lunch with her. She was a senior, so she had a lot of free periods.

I got ready to be out of the car, unbuckling my seatbelt. But in the moment that I looked up, my heart stopped. I blinked. And blinked. And blinked. My eyes dropped immediately when his head turned towards me.

He didn't see me. He couldn't have.

I repositioned myself in the seat. Victoria had already gotten out and walked to my side of the car.

"Let's go. " she said.

I tried to move but my body refused to listen. She tried to touch me and I flinched harshly

What's wrong? " she asked confused.

My breathing became heavy and my heart rate increased.

I wasn't sure what happened next but soon enough, August was there.

August, my knight in shining armour.

I didn't even realize that he was there until he spoke. I was beyond freaking out.

But somehow he managed to calm me down. Somehow he managed to get me to hear him. Somehow he managed to make to talk.

And he wasn't the only one that couldn't believe it.

I stared at the page. My life really sucked. But it could be worse. It could be so much worse.

I could not have my dad. I could not have August. I could not have help.  I could be alone.

And I didn't want that.

*****
I'm Such A Procrastinator. My Apologies For The Length And The Quality Of This Chapter.

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10/12/17