Silenced

Chapter 33- No More

Chapter 33

No More

Kaiser Donovan

My heart had been beating out of my chest. I opened my mouth to do it but my father's loud voice thundered in my ear, making me jump silently. He said something to August. I couldn't make it out, there was too much blood rushing through me. August walked towards us and I went back inside.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with legs crossed in the center of my bed. I hadn't been to therapy in a while. Ms. McCain had lessened our sessions in an attempt to give me space. She has tried this approach before, it hadn't worked. Between that and my missing the sessions that I actually had, I hadn't seen her for almost two weeks. I think my father was letting me miss them because he thought it would help. I had agreed with the idea but right now, right now I'd kill to be in her office. I wouldn't say anything but her office felt like it was safe. A safe place to be sad. A safe place to cry. My eyes watered and I sniffled.

I started thinking about what would've happened if my father hadn't come. Would I have gone through with it? I think I would've. It was the closest I'd ever gotten. The parking lot happened out of fear, it wasn't an ideal situation. It wasn't willful, it was because I was now scared of him than of what would've happened as a result of me talking. This was different, this was me wanting to talk. Me wanting to be heard. By him, by August. I sniffled again, wiping my eyes. How did I always end up in tears? I chuckled quietly. I didn't want to call feel like this anymore. Like things would never get better. I thought about how I would always have these little prep talks with myself and how nothing would change.i thought about how I would always tell myself that this time was different. I thought allot  going into the bathroom and locking the door. But it only made me cry harder. I laid back silently trying to convince myself to stop crying. I don't remember if I did.

I woke up next the morning. Dry tears were all over my face and pillow. I guess I had cried myself to sleep. I felt gross and decided that taking a shower would help. It did greatly. My dad had gotten breakfast, I wasn't sure from where but I didn't care. I took the egg and mayo sandwich and ate it with gratitude.

"You went to bed without eating last night. I made you lunch. I expect you to eat it." He said, handing me a brown bag.

I took it with a thank you. I stood up, pulling my bag with me. I opened the lunch bag to find a turkey sandwich inside. My favorite. I smiled. I looked back when I reached the door and wondered where my dad had went. He hadn't left the kitchen. What was up with him?

I thought back and it hit me. Had I said that out loud? I always said thank you to him when he did something for me. But it was always mentally. I said it mentally, right? I think I would remember have remembered actually talking. It wasn't something that I did lightly.

My father finally appeared and grabbed his keys. We headed out of the door. He hadn't said anything. He was the type to make a big deal out of my talking so I was sure that he would've said something if I had said something. I got into my usual seat in the back. I decided not to put in my headphones today. Instead, I started to think about my whole August situation. Would it be bad to avoid him? Or was that the only option?

The ride was completely silent. My father looked at me through the mirror more than usual. But other than that, it was normal, just a littler quieter. We pulled up to the school and I went to open the door.

"Kai." My dad called, making me stop amd turn towards him.

"You're welcome." He said randomly. I raised an eyebrow which he must've seen because he continued talking.

"This morning. You said thank you. It was low, very low. I wasn't sure if you had actually said something or if I had imagined it. But your voice, it sounds different. I couldn't have imagined it because everytime I think about you talking, it's always with your old voice. So it had to have actually happened. So you're welcome." He said while watching me through the mirror.

I sat very still for a couple of minutes before nodding and leaving the car. My chest was alive at this point. The rate that my heart was moving at was dangerous. I had barely made it into the building before my legs stopped. I leaned against the wall of the school. I had actually said something. Without even realizing it.

I wanted to be happy but I couldn't help but let the fear creep in. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I couldn't stop the thoughts, the memories that flooded my brain. They kept me from being happy. What was I thinking? A part of me knew that he'd never get to me. Not with my father protecting me and all he had been to make sure that I was safe. But there was a bigger part that thought that nothing would stop him and that I knew better than to talk because I knew what talking meant, I knew what it could do.

I had managed to it to my locker somehow. I opened it and stood there with the door open for a very long time while I tried to calm myself down. This was supposed to be a good thing and I was sure that I would look back on it and think so but right now, it was far from it. I took off my glasses, hoping that it would lessen my growing headache.

I exhaled forcefully and closed my locker. I closed my eyes and opened them after turning after from the wall of lockers. When I opened them, August was in front of me. I think that he was going to say something. I'm not sure. With all of the emotions running through me and me not being stable enough to see sense, I found myself with my arms around his neck and my face buried in it. I blinked away my tears, feeling my lashes moving against his skin. I sniffled and pulled myself closer to him and smiled when he didn't pull away.

I thought about the last time that I had hugged him, when we were at his house that night. I don't know what brought me to go to his house in the middle of the night. But something, some unknown thing compelled me to go.

I thought about the note that I gave him. I wondered if he had ever opened it. He hadn't acted like it. Or maybe he had and he just didn't want to deal with it. But that couldn't be a possibility especially with what happened yesterday. It couldn't. I pushed the thoughts after and pulled myself even closer and I couldn't describe the feeling that went through me when I felt his arms wrap around me.

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7/19/18