Holding Space

Prologue: Holding Space | Part Three

     "Good afternoon Caledon- Mr. Bradshaw." The young girl blushes and stares down at her papers as she beckons me forward.

     I take a seat on one of two chairs, after she does, I do not face the audience.

     "Please, call me Cal." I smile, leaning forward.

     This makes me look open and interested in what's happening.

     "Cal-" she matched my smile and stared at me a little too long, it was weird.

     This girl was a fan.

     Christ.

     "If you don't mind, we're going to jump right in and take some questions before the lecture! Everyone's very excited as you can see." The girl's eyes light up and I cannot fathom why.

     She points into the distance and my stomach squirms.

     "You there, third row back, second to the left."

     A woman stands up shakily.

     "Hi there, my name is Sarah- I've read all your books and I just love you-" she freezes, "-them- I love your books." She's bright red but continues: "How does it feel knowing your words, your experiences help so many on daily basis?" She sits down immediately, as if to hide.

     Experiences?

     A bolt of darkness blinds me for a moment.

     White pills on the floor, vomit.

     Voices.

     Crying, more darkness, pain, bitter tastes and a burning throat.

     Screams. Fingers in my mouth, more vomit, more pain...

     The deafening sound of ambulance sirens bring me back to earth and a thousand eyes are, once more, piercing my façade. The memory lingers; a ghost of smoke against a car side window, damaging even after it's disappeared.

     I lean back in my chair, clear my throat and interlock my fingers, feigning deep thought. It's ironic, deep thought is exactly what I'm trying to avoid right now as the cavern wriggles inside my ribcage.

     "Few things in my life bring me greater joy than the response I've had from my readers." I say, honestly.

      "Your social media presence is impressive! You are quite a star!"

     She must think you're someone else! You impressive?! Ha!

     I shift uncomfortably.

     I smile. She thinks I'm a star.

     Hilarious.

     I know my truth will come out and once the illusion breaks, she'll see I'm saving my saddest smile for all those who believed.

     You're a fraud... and They know.

     I scan the room quickly, checking to see if anyone had already noticed.

     My eyes fall on a familiar face and my heart.

     Elliot.

     My body starts to itch and suddenly I am desperate to be anywhere else but here. I'm embarrassed; this attention, I don't deserve it. There are so many others doing so much more to help these people- they should be honored, not me.

     Fraud!

     I'm useless.

     And now I can't breathe.

     The girl is still talking.

     I glance towards Danielle in the wings; she registers my discomfort and gives me a reassuring look, holding up a thumb. She places a hand on the arm of a runner standing next to her and whispers something to him. He hurries towards what I can only assume is a more senior member of the production team.

     The girl is still talking to the audience about the work of the charity sponsoring today's event.

     I'm boiling and my hands are beginning to shake. I fold my arms across my body, protectively. There are so many eyes on me and my breathing is becoming more and more rapid. Beads of sweat are forming on my upper lip, my anxiety worsening as I'm increasingly more aware of how strange I must look. This could not be happening at a worse time.

     Hello, old friend- Mr. Panic Attack!

     My legs feel funny and I long to be outside and not caged inside this dark room.

     I tug the knot of my tie, quickly replacing my arm.

     You're losing it!

     I swallow back the lump in my throat and give another frantic look towards Danielle who is handing a microphone over to someone I don't recognise.

     I need air; I need to be outside.

     It's my favourite place, Outside.

     So often I find myself pulling over in my car, running into the openness and letting lose- screaming, shouting, cursing my own heart and its constant battle with my head.

     Masking their war is exhausting; it's killing me.

     "Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it is time for a break- feel free to leave your seats and stretch your legs- we will be back shortly to resume the rest of this today's discussion!" My savior beamed towards the crowd.