A Promise From My Heart

56.

"In marriage you are a team." Sister Amatullah had told me. "Marriage is a partnership. It is not only about you neither is it only about him. It is about the two of you. You grow together. You support one another in good and bad times. You are better and stronger as one."

"If there's one thing I love about my marriage to your brother, it is how we work together and support one another. No one leaves the other behind. Even though we fight and argue a lot, we do not allow our anger make us ditch the other person. This pregnancy is a perfect example. He did not forsake me to handle it alone. He's there even when he's tired and frustrated. I am not self-centred or believes that since he impregnated me and does not understand how it feels to carry a pregnancy, he needs to suffer."

"The reality is, you will have a million advices about marriage in a book and everything will still be new to you. Nothing would prepare you for what's ahead. Go easy on yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You learn along the way." Sister Amatullah's advice was one of the best I received.

Aunt Joju had told me, "Pay attention to his efforts and actions, not words. Love is effort and action and not words. It also applies to you too. Your actions would speak louder than your words."

"You don't have to cover up for him. Let him be accountable for what he has done. Don't give excuses for his bad habits, attitudes and actions. And please, don't always turn a blind eye to something you can't take on the long run. It does not always end well because it would be too late to complain." That was big mummy's advice.

It was surely from her experience in her own marriage. She had given excuses for her husband's shameful mistakes and had hidden them.

"You were someone before you got married. You should not change yourself after it. Don't lose yourself in the process. In the process of nurturing your husband, children and relationship, do not forget to nurture yourself. It is the worst feeling ever; not knowing who you are anymore." She added.

"Don't hid abuse." My elder brother had warned me sternly. "Whether from him or his family. Do not hide or endure any form of abuse in the name of marriage. I want you to always remember that the doors of our father's house and my house also will always be opened for you."

The advices were endless. They came from everyone who cared to give one including people who I have a distant relationship with. The most common opinion was "Be patient." Everyone said it. Someone said patience is good, important and necessary but you should not become a fool in the process of being patient. There were orthodox advices that left me with a lot of questions and wonders. Amidst everything, I speculated what my mother's advice would have been. What would she have said? The reality was I would never get to know.

I woke up with difficulty on my wedding day. My friends and I had spent the previous day playing games, having our henna done, doing karaoke and we planned a bridal shower I never included in my activities. It did not seem important at first. Planning the bridal shower was made easy with Sheryl's help. We did not have a cake and a dress code. We wore anything we wanted. It was spontaneous yet we had fun. We ended up going to bed late, around 1:42am.

My eyes had barely opened when I drew myself out of bed, trying not to touch Ini or disturb her. The prayers I needed to do forced me out of bed. They were required for guidance and direction in the new journey I was embarking on. I dragged my feet to the bathroom where my eyes did not open until I washed my face with water. I brushed, took my bath and performed ablution.

The night was so quiet. Nothing made a sound. A needle will drop and it would make a noise. I felt a sense of peace from it which relaxed every emotion raging in me. I loved the silence, the stillness and savoured the moment. The coolness of the night even made the ambiance better. I had a feeling that the hour was the perfect time to communicate to Allah. I did a nawafil then recited the Holy Qur'an, supplicated before having a heart-to-heart conversation with my Creator. I lifted my hands up and whispered into the night the desires of my heart.