Hysteria (studxstud)

8. The Funeral

CRIS POV

I was lead on so far away, why didn't she say that I was falling short? That I wasn't what she wanted? My dad knew that i was gay, and he tries to support me but I know he wants his daughter to be "normal." I behave like nothing hurts my feelings but deep down, each word he says has a different effect on me and I don't want to hurt our relationship because he's all I got right now. No one other than my dad and Jay loves me. Everyone tries to be their original self but we all keep cheating knowing that we are every person we meet. So no one has it all. 

Shane has hurt me in every way possible. I'm choking on my emotions and all she's ever had was doubt.  I know that everyone thinks that we're together but we're not. We really can never get it right and it makes me sad that we never will. I had to confront her the other day to tell me what we were and nothing has ever made my heart hurt as much as her one word did. 

NOTHING.

It took awhile to convince myself that it's nothing. Just as she said; nothing.  My problems are small compared to the fact that my besties' ex just died and she was still heavily invested in her. Things like this is why I'm going to be 20 something running from love with no fear. I started smoking more and drinking more. I used to do yoga with Jay every Tuesday evening but since the incident at The Crypt with Shane I've been avoiding doing Yoga and our mediation sessions too. She's not upset because she's going through some things as well but she's disappointed that I started something and dragged her into it and not following through. I can't right now, my emotions are out of control and my bad habits have taken the lead in trying to control them. 

I didn't want to go to that funeral. Knowing that I messaged Roxanne, saying some very mean things. Maybe calling her a dumb bitch was a little bit too much? Jay doesn't know that we spoke though. I didn't see her killing herself coming. She was lying to Jay all this time. Rox and I had history, I just pulled up without her. We used to smoke weed and cut together when we were younger before  I met Jay. She was in love with me but I didn't see her that way, she was vulnerable and I was there for her but I didn't see myself falling in love that way. So I guess that's why she moved onto Jay when she saw us getting closer, I didn't think much into it because I never liked her. 

I was sinking into a dark abyss and I needed to control my life. I hated Rox for pulling out of this cursed life without me, we made a blood pact but I wasn't ready to die as yet. I'm still hurting over Shane and this wasn't the way I wanted to go out feeling this way. Was I making her more important than she really is? My phone was ringing and I looked over onto the screen to see Jay calling. More than likely she was outside to pick me up for the funeral. 

As I walked out I tried to put on the best reassuring smile that I could right now. My emotions were eating me alive but I had to be strong for Jay.

"Hey man, how you feeling?" I asked her as soon as I entered the car.  We were in Julio's car, I knew her family was loaded but i didn't know she drives. 

"I'm feeling way better about all of this, how are you? I hope your not getting drunk to get over Shane."

I was not surprised that she said that because she knew me more than anyone else did.

"Dawg, shut the fuck up and stop spilling my tea in front of Julio man."

"Ahh that's cool bruv, did I ever mention that Shane and I are close? She's torn up af right now and she won't tell me why but I know it has something to do with you because she get's sensitive whenever I bring up your name." Julio said, trying to defend herself.