I lied.
I feel dirty like a dirty horrible liar of a person.
I lied twice.
When I gave my heart to Damon completely. Because I didn't.
I lied to Stefan telling him I had no feelings for him.
And in all those lies hides the truth. I love them both. I love them both equally not one more than the other. That makes me selfish more than anything. I am completely and utterly a horrible person. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I don't even have anyone to talk to. It has been 3 days since I cried in Stefan's shoulder and I got comfortable. I don't like hurting them. I'm just bad for both of them. I am bad because I make them fight and I break their hearts. I feel like the person I never swore to become. I curl up closer to my pillow. I hear Damon downstairs talking to Stefan. They must think I am asleep because they start talking about me.
"Elena's been acting weird lately.. huh?" Damon said slowly as if he had gone over and over these words in his head before he actually spoke them.
"Yeah I noticed that too, It's like she is upset." Stefan said.
I thought about Aunt Jenna. Seeing her bright smile again. And seeing Alaric and spending time listening to his boring history garble. And let me not forgot spending time with my best friend in the whole world...Bonnie. Suddenly I was craving those people. The people I missed so dearly. I wonder what it's like on 'the other side'. I quickly snapped out of those thoughts. But they have been coming to me all to often lately. I can't leave because they will never stop chasing me. This boy drama seems like it has no way of not hurting anybody unless I'm...gone.
I heard footsteps coming and I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was asleep once again.
"Elena...?" It was Jeremy.
I did a sort of dramatic yawn and sat up in Damon's bed.
"Heyy Jer" I said sounding depleted...wow I can't even try and act happy.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You seem down."
I look at Jeremy. His beautiful face and light brown hair. He was just a kid before my involvement of vampires corrupted his short childhood. I ruined this sweet, innocent boy. I felt even crappier.
"I'm fine...don't worry about me!" I said forcing a realistic smile.
He seemed content and then smiled and left.
I knew what I had to do. I was ruining everything good for everyone. I have the two Salvatores getting their emotions played by me, I corrupted my brother, I had Bonnie die for me, Carolines a vampire because of me, Matt's sister is dead because of me, Tyler is an orphan because of me, And the worst part is their are more people who died for me. I needed to end this.
I got up and got dressed like I was going out. I walked downstairs quietly, but low and behold both Damon and Stefan were downstairs.
"Hey" Damon said and my head shot up. I didn't even realize I was looking at my feet.
I kept walking to the door, knowing if I looked at either of them I would break down and I just couldn't do it.
"I'm going!" I yelled almost sprinting to the door now.Before they could argue I vamp sped into the woods. I could hear them coming after me and I knew I had to do this fast. I got to an open space in the woods with flowers in the grass and I could see the clear sky above my head. It was beautiful. Before any thoughts of doubt could cross my mind I threw off my daylight ring and began to burn. The pain hurt so bad. I'm feeling woozy and then...
