Where Is She? (Steve Rogers x Reader)

Chapter 12 - Calling on a Friend

Down in the basement, in the guest room, the two of them got ready for bed. When Steve slipped into bed behind her, she could feel his bare chest on her back. It was normally comforting but she was quiet.

Steve wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her neck. He wasn't sure if she was asleep so he stayed quiet.

"We can't ever have this, can we?" she said out loud, into the darkness.

"Why not?" he whispered.

She didn't have an answer.

"Baby, everything's going to be okay," he said. "Everything that happened to you... it hasn't even been a week..."

She rolled over in his arms and tried to look at him in the dark.

"Is it something else?" he asked.

"You mean is it you?" she whispered. "That's what you want to know..."

"Did I do something?" Steve sounded steady but she wondered if she had gone a step too far.

"No, you didn't do anything," she said sharply. "I'm frustrated, I don't know why I feel like this. I just want to feel like I felt before." She quieted for a moment and started again softly, "...And I hate that this is making me unsure of my feelings for you." She moved away and sat up in the bed, swinging her legs to the floor.

Steve's head swirled with the new information. He desperately wanted to ask her if she wanted him to go, if she wanted him to hold her, if she still loved him... He tried to be quiet so he wasn't being pushy. He sat up in bed and turned on the lamp next to him.

(Y/N) was afraid he'd get close to her again so she shot up and paced the room. Her voice broke as she started to speak. "This thing... this stupid, awful thing... it's making me question everything in my whole damn life." She never rose her head to look at Steve. "I'm questioning everything I was so sure about before and now I'm even questioning you. You've never given me one reason to question you and yet, here I am..." She trailed off and slowed her pace, wrapping her arms around herself. "Why do I feel like we have no future together now?" Her voice was sad and Steve hurt for her.

"I don't want to say this but, this is all normal. These are the kind of delayed reactions people have to trauma... I should have seen this coming," he said. Although what he said was true, it wasn't easy for him to say. He looked to her for a reaction but she stood still, staring, still wrapped in her own arms.

"Do you want me to go?" he asked quietly.

"No," she said... "I don't know. I don't know what I want. I feel miserable and angry. I just want to scream. My skin is crawling, I'm so... I'm so frustrated!" A stream of sobs released from her tight lips as she shook. Steve hesitantly walked to her and enveloped her in a hug, slowly so he could gauge her reaction.

"You're mad at the world," he said. "Feeling like this... it's not your personality, you can't grasp your negative feelings right now."

(Y/N) continued to cry but backed away from him a little. "I'm going to hurt you," she said, like a scared kid.

"You won't hurt me," he said calmly. "Would you... be willing to talk to someone tonight?"

"What?" she was taken aback by his question.

"I mean, I can get you on the phone with Sam - tonight. Sam would be happy to talk to you." Steve said.

She looked at him questioningly.

"Sam used to work at the VA, he ran counseling sessions. He's easy to talk to, you'll feel better... I can't get a therapist on the phone tonight but I can get you Sam right away. If it's all I can do for you... I just want to help."

Her demeanor was calmer now, she was taking deep breaths and not moving so much. "Okay," she said quietly. "Yeah... I'll do it."

"I'll call Sam," he said, stepping towards her. "I don't want to lose you," he said tenderly. "You don't need to doubt how I feel about you, I promise. And... we can have this."

She nodded as her breath caught in her throat. "I think I'm going to take a quick shower, I think it will make me feel better." She walked to the bathroom and started running the water.

Steve called Sam. Sam's phone rang a few times and then he picked up. "Wow, it's late for you, Steve," he said.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I wouldn't call if it wasn't important," Steve said.

"Oh, I know that," Sam said, his tone got more serious. "Is everything okay? Did something happen on your trip home?"

"Well, things have been... better. (Y/N)'s having a really rough night."

"Oh, man..." Sam said softly. "I'm sorry to hear that. How can I help?"

"She's in the shower right now but I was wondering if you'd talk with her. You're so good at helping people in crisis. I need help and you were the first person I thought of."

"I would be happy to talk to her. How are you holding up?" Sam asked.

"I'm trying," Steve sighed. "I feel like I'm losing her, Sam... little by little... it's like the pieces left of her are falling apart."

Sam sighed. It was hard to hear his friend this way.

"I'm starting to wonder if she still loves me," Steve said.

Sam didn't hesitate to jump in. "Steve, that girl loves you. I've seen it with my own eyes. She's going through something right now, it's not you."

Steve spoke slowly. "I know. It's just that it breaks my heart seeing her like this and I'm trying to be strong." He heard the shower turn off. "She's getting out of the shower, it'll just be a minute." Steve got up and walked to the cracked bathroom door and said, "Honey, Sam's ready for you."

"I'll be right there," she said.

"Sam, you're one in a million," Steve said as he watched (Y/N) come out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. "Here she is."

Steve handed her the phone and pointed at the door, he was going to sit outside the guest room in the family room.

"Hi, Sam," he heard her say as he closed the guest room door.

Steve walked to the couch and flopped down. Though he hadn't even been tired when they laid down in bed, he was positively exhausted now. It was all mental. It was quiet upstairs and all he could hear was the faint sound of (Y/N) speaking in the guest room. He stretched out and grabbed for a magazine to try and stay awake in case she needed him.

Hours later, (Y/N) opened the door and peeked out, seeing Steve asleep on the couch with a magazine spread across his chest. A little smile came across her face as she slowly walked towards him and knelt down next to the couch. She moved the magazine and gently laid her head down on his chest. Steve took in a deep breath and lifted his head to see her there. "Hi baby." She looked different now and he could tell she felt better. He put his arms around her. "You feel better?"

"So much better," she said with relief. "Sam helped a lot. I still have a long ways to go but... for now, I think I have some things that will help me cope. Do you have a number for that therapist you saw?"

"I do," he said. "Maybe you can get an appointment for when we get back."

She snuggled up to him more.

"It's late, babe, I think you ought to get some sleep," he said.

"Aren't you coming?" she asked.

"Do you want me to? - Because I could just sleep out-"

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry... I shouldn't have taken it out on you," she interrupted.

"No, honey, I'm not upset with you. I just didn't know if you wanted me there or not. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I need you, Steve, and I'm sorry," she gave him a little smile.

Steve sat up slowly and twisted his back, then held out his hand to her. "Come on, let's get some sleep."