You & I || H.S.

Chapter 42

“Every one of us has his own dream, every one of us wants something or someone in life. But life is like a game; sometimes you win and get that thing, and sometimes you lose, which means you lost that thing.”

 

Annabeth’s P.O.V.

It has been twenty days since I decided to move on, and believe me when I say I feel hell better. I don’t cry like I used to anymore. Well, I do cry, but not as much, only when I remember him or see a photo of us. I don’t know where do they pop out from, though, I threw them all away in a box and hid it in Sam’s room, but I seem to find a new one every single day.

The pain is bearable now, and yes there is still pain in my chest, but it’s reduced. The pain is made of sadness, sadness that he’s gone. I accepted the fact by now and I do go out with my friends more often, but I didn’t get back to my work at the hospital, though Dr. Frank keeps persuading me to. It’s generous of him, but I can’t.

My feelings are in a mixed up state, there’s this internal battle in me. A battle where the two sides are I and my subconscious, we always fight over everything going on. She wants me to never forget, while I desperately hope to move on. She wants me stuck in this horrendous state forever, while I wanna break out and live again. I guess I always win at the end of every battle, though sometimes it gets tiring.

Harry and I don’t get to see each other very often because one, he’s busy at work in the hospital or going to conferences, and two, because the tension between us can sometimes become unbearable. It freaks me out, whenever I get blurry flashback of the night we had our heated kiss, and that’s another reason why I’m not really fond of meeting him, because I don’t want to remember.

I was on my way to the graveyard to meet Josh, to tell him about what happened in the last couple weeks since I haven’t visited him for sometime. I know that he can see me and that he knows about everything going on in my life.

He knows about the kiss with Harry, added my fucked up subconscious and I rolled my eyes. Seriously, get a life. I certainly know about that and I went to him the day I woke up with Harry in my bed and the day I decided to move on, and told him about everything. Much to my subconscious’ dismay, I know that Josh is happy that I’m moving on with my life, I know because he once helped me do so, and I know that he isn’t upset with my session with Harry because he’s gone and it’s my life. I’m the one who’s uncomfortable with it, though.

I walked towards his grave in my long, black dress and the daisies in my hands. Once there, I placed the daisies over his grave in an artful pattern then sat on the edge, my hands caressing the sand, as if it’s Josh I’m touching. I let a tear slip from my eyes, but I wasn’t crying because of sadness, but because I miss him.

I miss everything about Josh; how he’d always be here when I needed someone by my side, how he used to comfort me in the best way possible, how he knew all my secrets and never slipped them out of his mouth, how he would ask me how was my day at work and how he used to hold me close to him while we were sleeping, as if he was afraid I would go away. Well, he was the one who got away, not me.

“I miss you,” I whispered, but I know that he could hear me just fine. “I missed you being here with me. You don’t know how much I’m missing you.”