Today || Lams

eighteen

angelica schuyler.

does anyone even say my name anymore?

i used to be all popular.

then peggy started dating maria reynolds.

it used to be "and peggy!"

but now it's "hey eliza! hey peggy! oh and angelica"

no one gives a shit about me anymore.

i'm just a doormat.

your skin is warm like an oven

your kiss is sugary sweet

your fingers feel like cotton

when you put your arms around me

but he left me last night.

he left me for james madison.

i loved him.

he was the only person who notices me anymore.

not even my own sisters notice me.

he looks a lot like lafayette.

i want him to burn.

i feel like i'm just missing

something whenever you leave

we've got all the ingredients

except you loving me

so respectfully...

what even am i?

i'm a mess.

i pick up the knife.

i want to die.

i want them to die.

die is a funny word.

die die die die die.

i'm not a piece of cake

for you to just discard

while you walk away

with the frosting of my heart

i pressed the knife against my tongue.

i scream out in pain.

i licked the blade.

i tasted blood.

nice.

i want them to die.

i want them all to die.

they ruined me.

i am damaged.

so i'm taking back

what's mine, you'll miss

a slice of heaven that i gave to you last night

last night was fun.

our clothes were on the ground, we were on the bed.

then you left.

i apply gauze to my tongue.

blood.

am i going insane?

i think i am.

i want them to die.

you smell just like vanilla

you taste like buttercream

you're filling up my senses

with empty calories

i think i am crazy.

i think i'm gone.

done.

tell the psychiatrist something is wrong.

over the bend

entirely bonkers,

you like me best when i'm off my rockers.

tell you a secret.

i'm not alarmed.

so what if i'm crazy?

the best people are.

i was once the best.

now no one knows my name.

what would be enough to be satisfied?

i feel like i'm just missing 

something whenever you leave

we've got all the ingredients

except you needing me

so respectfully...

i want to kill them.

live spelled backwards is evil.

should i live so i can be evil, or die so i can be happy?

i think i wanna die.

you're just a piece of meat to me

i want them dead.

but i want myself dead.

i take the knife.

i look at it.

myself or them?

them or myself?

my throat or theirs. 

i point the knife towards me.

the door is kicked open.

screaming.

the knife is taken from me.

crying.

i try to take the knife back.

yelling.

fighting.

i fall backwards.

the knife is not in my hands.

a/n- 486 words and a chapter that's actually well written for once! round of applause for me! also, angelica is going insane and  i have no regrets.