Eternity's Ending (our version of events) - Book One

Xander

I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt undeserving of something; more like one finger. But as my eyes open and focus on the teal Gerber Daisy sitting on the nightstand beside me, it's hard to convince myself that I deserve Vincent. I went ape shit on him this morning with no explanation of why. He would have been completely justified in snatching me up and shaking the shit out of me (because that's what I truly deserved) but instead he went to his secret place and picked me a flower.

I wonder if he actually called that priest; Lord knows someone needs to exorcise my demons and rid me of these dreams. They are turning me into a raving, highly emotional lunatic. Highly emotional gets you laughed at which makes you more emotional which gets you laughed at even harder, which sends you into a fit of rage, and now there's cereal all over the floor.

I cover my face with the pillow to hide my embarrassment. What a complete loss of control and now I'm going to have to face him after the train wreck that was this morning. I'd love nothing more than to erase the entire thing from my memory. I want to pretend it never happened and keep it moving but I owe him an apology. The problem is, I've never been one to say I'm sorry. Damn these dreams; they've got me completely beside myself. I'm acting without deliberate intent which is forcing me to say I'm sorry. I bite down on the pillow, smash it into my face and yell my frustrations into the feathers.

"Xander?"

Shit! Where the hell did he come from? I pull the pillow from my face to address a concerned Vincent.

"Hi babe," I say as nonchalantly as possible, which is not at all nonchalant.

"Are you okay?" he asks completely baffled by me.

"Yes, I'm fine. I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't think you would hear me. Was I that loud?"

"No, you...I was laying on the floor by the bed. That's how I heard you."

Was I so bad this morning that Vincent would now rather sleep on the floor than share the bed with me? I should tell him about the dreams, show him I'm not completely insane. What if that makes him think I am insane? Right now, he just thinks I'm "me". But the dreams, I can't make them stop and I'm sure he doesn't want to worry about whether or not he'll have a fight on his hands every time I wake up. At some point, he'll get sick of all the bullshit these dreams bring. Especially, since he has to deal with all the bullshit non-dreaming me brings. Eventually, he'll wash his hands of the entire thing; including our relationship.

"Xander?"

I don't realize my hands are coving my eyes until I try to look at him. I remove them and place them squarely on the pillow covering my lap.

"What is it?" he asks trying to look inside of me for an answer.

I reach for him and cradle his face in my hands. I know what I need to say to him but I haven't had time to figure out exactly how to say it. I pull him into me and kiss his forehead, then his left cheek, then his right cheek and finally his lips.

"Thank you," I whisper in his ear.

It's not officially an apology, I know, but I hope he gets that "sorry" is what I'm really trying to say.

"Anything for you," he whispers back and I know he gets it, which means he gets me.

That's scary and exciting and it brings security like I've never known and the same type of doubts. I find myself remembering that months ago he never answered the one question that could put all of my fears to rest. I ask again because I need to know there is something great in me that will keep him here on days like this; when I'm a bitch or I'm evil or I'm a puzzle or imperfect in every single way.

"I don't know why you love me. Why does perfect you love me when I am so very flawed?"

"For starters, I'm not perfect. I am perfect for you but by no means am I a perfect person. Secondly, there isn't' anything wrong with who you are so please don't assume I'm loving you in spite of some perceived flaw. All I'm doing is loving you, all of you, plain and simple. Lastly, and most importantly, I was born to love you. That is my sole purpose for being here."

Bullshit, Vincent's not perfect. An imperfect person could never in a million tries give such a perfect answer.