Eternity's Ending (our version of events) - Book One

Xander

His words are swimming in my head. I find myself wishing I had more experience in these situations. If I did I might know how to feel but I don't so I stand there terrified yet grateful for the challenge. The scale of emotion refuses to balance. I can't form a response to this man standing on my stoop, heart in hand, just as Cassie predicted.

"She said you would come for me," my words feel small compared to the grand speech he's just made; compared to the feelings they are forced to express, "I wanted to believe her."

He has no idea what all this mean. I can tell he desperately wants to be able to follow; to find his answer somewhere beneath the rubbish that is my words.

"We should talk. Come inside, please." Vincent follows me into the house, unsure of my behavior. "I guess I should give the grand tour."

I still haven't decided how to say what I need to say to him. I buy myself a little time with hospitality. I lead him down the hallway where he stops to look at a painting hanging on the wall.

"I remember this piece. You bought it the night we met," he admires the memory of the night more than the work.

I wonder how his version of the night unfolds. I'm terrified to think that he believed I loved him then.

"You did, didn't you?"

What is going on here? Is it National Read Xander's Mind Day?!

"Xander?"

"Yes?" I try to make my mind go blank so he doesn't have access to any more of my thoughts.

"Didn't you buy this painting that night?"

"Yes. Yes, I did buy this that night," I soften a little when I realize my thoughts are still safe, "it's also the night I heard the lamest pickup line ever. What was it again?"

I melt when I suddenly find him standing toe-to-toe with me. I kick myself for asking him to make me feel the way he does. His hands secure my hips so I can't run and escape the effect he has on me.

"You loved me in a past life," the scales tip in favor of fear as I watch control drain from me and pour into his possession.

His grip gets stronger as I try to pull away.

"Xander, you never answered my question."

"Don't I get time to prepare a speech?"

"The greatest speech you can give me at this time is a single word in the affirmative. Anything more complicates things.

"But I need to say more, Vincent. It only works if I say more. You have to know what you're getting so you know for sure that you want it."

I'm convinced that he's convinced that this person I have shown him is all I am and ever will be. I'm not convinced it isn't. But I'm more convinced that if he needs me to be better, to learn how to behave in the way he'd find most pleasing, I would do it.

"Against my very best efforts, I delight in you." It's obvious I'm terrible at this when the line escapes from my mouth.

He smiles at me but I can't read it.

"Is that smile you trying to hide your laughter at my failed attempt to sound dreamy?" I ask on the verge of anger.

I'm frustrated and have zero desire to continue. I'm afraid he is laughing at the ridiculousness that is me trying to express my feelings. I'm more afraid that the whole point of my spiel will be missed because I can't say what I need to say to him.

"I'm not laughing at you, Xander. Please continue."

"I'm just saying I didn't have a week to rehearse the perfect monologue. I'm kind of on the spot here and this, this..." I've never defined us so I motion a finger back and forth between the two of us, "isn't my thing. I've never felt anything like this for anyone, so I'm at a loss."

"Let's start slow. What do you feel for me, Xander?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"Because then you'll know," it sounds stupid when I say it aloud but it makes perfect sense in my head.

"And I can't know?"

"No."

"Why?

"Because if you don't know you won't try. If you do know you might try and there won't be anything I can do about it."

"Maybe I won't try because I do know," he takes my hand in his. "How about this, I promise if you tell me I won't try."

"You shouldn't make such promises, Vincent. They may be impossible for you to keep."

"There isn't a promise I can make to you that would be impossible for me to keep, Xander." He forces me to inspect him for signs of dishonesty. I find none.

"You promise?"

He drops one of my hands.

"Cross my heart," he says, drawing a cross over the upper left side of his chest.

"Okay," I take a deep breath, "let me just start by saying you don't have to share my feelings. I don't want you to feel like you have to stay or love me or anything. I want you to feel whatever you feel and be honest with me about it, okay?"

Vincent nods in agreement.

"I don't love you, Vincent." I think I actually see his heartbreak and I realize my words came out wrong.

"No, wait. Let me finish." I regroup. "I...love isn't what I feel for you. It's beyond that. It's beyond some small word people toss around to their flavor of the month or use to manipulate or take advantage of someone. Not to say that all love is like that, I mean there are some great examples. It's just what I feel for you isn't common. It's unmistakable. There will never be confusion with the way I feel for you."

Vincent stares at me intensely. I feel like I'm not saying what I need to say.

"Shit, um, okay, it's like a connection. Like when I saw you that night, my soul recognized itself in you. Is that stupid?"

My frustration is mounting. Why didn't I pay more attention during romantic comedy week? I might have found a line I could be using right now.

"It's not stupid. Please keep going."

"Okay. I believe in soul mates. I feel like Cassie is my soul mate. But you, you are my soul. It's like whatever souls consist of, ours are made of the exact same thing. You're not a match for me, you are a part of me. Which is crazy, right? I mean, who feels that way? Wait, see this is where the obligation clause comes in. Please don't say you do if you don't. Actually, don't say anything at all, I still need to finish the hardest part. This is the part I don't want you to know but you promised," I wait for him to remember his promise and continue hesitantly.

"I don't have any deal breakers. There isn't anything you can do to change the way I feel about you. That's not to say that should you do something to hurt me I'll keep giving you the opportunity to do it again. But I will never feel differently. I know I've been me, which is a blessing or a curse depending on the day and who you ask. So if there is something, anything in me that could be considered a deal breaker in your eyes..." I hate myself for being so vulnerable but I can't imagine not taking this risk.

"Vincent, if you know a way to change me or make me how you would choose to have me, please do whatever. I'm forever yours."