#12 :: A Change Of Heart.

68.

LEXY'S EPILOGUE

A Year Later.

"You think you will get used to calling this your home?" Wade asked me.

I looked at him and smiled.

"Yes. Yes we will won't we?" I said as I carried Nathan into our new home.

Yep. That's right. I have just moved in with Wade. Once Wade knew I was pregnant he definitely had a change of heart. He's been by my side the whole time and I really don't know how I could have done it without him.

This last year has been the hardest. I quit my job and fell into deep depression. I didn't eat, I stopped speaking. I just stared at pictures of my mom and cried. I lost weight. I became ill. So much so I gave birth prematurely. Me and my son were both ill and it was then I realised it wasn't just me. I prayed that even if I didn't make it my son did. It was so hard. I didn't have the strength in me to be a mom. All I wanted to do was cry, cry that my mom would never get to see my son.

I had to start eating because Nathan needed nutrients from me and as much as I didn't want to eat I had to provide for him. My mom would be causing havoc up in heaven knowing I wasn't.

Due to my mom being murdered they wouldn't release her body whilst the murder was still under investigation. My father pleaded not guilty so it had to go to trial. The longer he dragged this out the longer my mom laid on a slab. It was then I realised I had to sort myself out. I had a baby that needed me and I had to make sure my moms killer did not get away with this. I was a witness in the trial. When I took the stand I told them everything. I mentioned the restraining order which conveniently was not mentioned so that was another charge against him. I attended the court everyday. If I wasn't at the court I was at the hospital with my son. Due to him being born prematurely he had to stay in there. It was coming up to three months and just seeing him in this incubator was killing me.

I was going through so much different emotions. I felt like I couldn't grieve my mom because if I did I would shut down and wouldn't be able to look after myself, my son and make sure this man went jail. I would try to be a great mom to my son but I felt like I was failing him for the simple fact I'm the reason he's here and can't come home. Then every time I attended court I would see this man and my blood would boil.

My father killed my mother. This is the type of stuff you read about or watched on tv. This isn't supposed to be my life.

My father was sentenced to life. I stood there and watched him lie about how much he loved her and would never harm her. I was scared at one point because I thought he would have been seen as insane but during the trial the prosecutor triggered him and he showed his true colours and even admitted it without realising. When he was sentenced to life he cried. I smiled as I watched them take him away. When I left court that day I cried. I cried so hard. I was an orphan. That man killed my mother and as far as I was concerned I had no father.

They finally released my moms body for her to be buried and that was another heartache in itself. I almost never went. The day of the funeral I was at the hospital. My son had picked up an infection and the doctors told me to prepare for the worst. I broke down. I had just lost my mom and today I had to bury her and I couldn't because my son might die. I just fell to the floor. I couldn't do this anymore. It was too much for me to take. I called my Aunty and told them to go on without me. I couldn't leave my son. I was torn.

At that very moment I just wanted to take my life. My mom was my everything. It had always been me and her. Yeah she drove me mad but that's what my mom was meant to do. She always meant well. Always wanted what's best for me and never wanted me to make the mistakes she did. I know I didn't want to say goodbye. Now there was a chance I actually wasn't going to. I prayed hard, harder than I ever have before.

I guess the lord heard my prayers. The antibiotics seemed to be working on Nathan and he was getting better as the morning went on. The doctors said they believed he would be fine and that I should go and bury my mom. I was so scared but they promised if anything changed they would contact me. I really wasn't going to go but Wade came and got me and said I would regret it if I didn't go.

He was right. Even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do; I'm glad I went. It was overwhelming and I was surprised at the support I got from Wades family. Even his sister Naomi was there. She came up to me, hugged me and apologised.

Everyday I prayed my mom would phone me or walk through the front door just to prove to everyone that she wasn't actually dead. But that never happened. She was actually dead.

I don't know if I'll ever get used to her being gone but I have to try and focus on those alive. My son Nathan is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. He's much stronger now and I can only thank God. Wade is the best boyfriend I could ask for, my girls are the best sisters and Wades family have taken me in as if I'm part of the family.

"Good. I know I can't bring your moms back or replace her; not that I would even try to do that, but I want you to be able to call this place your home. Happiness starts at home and if we can start here at least, then it's a good start."

I smiled. Wade was right. This was indeed a good start.

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