Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

42. To unfold

[This chapter contains triggering scenes. They aren't deeply written, but they do touch the subject. Please don't read if you're easily triggered]
[And yes. I am back]

The time that passed there on the dirty bathroom floor felt like hours - all because of the war going on inside of my head, punching me with doubts about the bacteria that might have gotten on me by now, about what might've happen and how much of an obstacle in life I must be.
Via kept on talking with me, without response.
After a few minutes she somewhat convinced the almost blacked out me to go outside.
I just followed her through the corridor, knowing how empty they were.
It took a while.
I refused to make any faux pases, because of the constant fear in the back in my head.

As soon as I stepped outside the cold weather hit me like a new thought hit me every millisecond.
I looked down, seeing the grey ground were teeny tiny bits of new green grass sticking up from between the road stones. My shaking knees convinced me that I'd kept on shaking through every change, even if I didn't recall that myself.
I slid down the brick wall, looking out over the yard as it silently began to rain, as I'd unnoticeable begun to shut down.
I could barely hear Via anymore.
Completely apart from the real world, I was unplugged once again.

A few minutes past - 4 to be precise, because all I could do was count.
I counted the times I blinked, how many breaths I took in a minute, counting the math problems I couldn't seem to solve before and know were so clear, and I counted the amount of taps that hit the ground in the perfect rhythm.
It's your fault. Punish yourself. Your fault.
As Lin suddenly was squatted down in front of me, the tapping got significantly faster because of a worry of him dying as I could see the tip of his favourite shoes - since the only way I glanced was the ground.
There was too much going on.
Tap tap tap tap.
At this point, I was lost inside my maze of thoughts. The feeling of something that I'd done wrong kept creeping up in the back of my head.
Vanessa might die if you don't tap. Seb too. And Lin. Tap. Scratch.
I knew I was crying.
I knew that I was tapping with my left hand - and scratching my left wrist with my right hand.
I knew that Via was right next to me.
And I knew that Lin was here.
I looked up at him.
His eyes narrowing into mine, just as worried as ever.
He seemed to be speaking, but I couldn't quite catch it. I couldn't catch anything swooshing past or around me.
"Help", I said with a scratchy, shaky, voice. "I c-can't stop it"
Scratch your wrist.
Make it bleed again.
You've let him down.
His mouth moved, forming words that I, once again wasn't able to hear. He turned to Via, telling her something. She started to walk away, head down, and sometimes she would look back at me. The closer she got to the school, the faster she walked. Like she wanted to get away from me. Because now she knew how much of a f*ck up I really was.

Lin turned to me again, saying something. By now, he realised that I didn't listen. That I couldn't listen.
I began to worry that I might've gone deaf - for real. And that my hearing aid suddenly stopped working.
I felt nauseous. Everything was echoing back at me, shaking.
Was I about to die? It felt like I was dying.
Hurt yourself then.
I looked down at my hand forcing itself to scratch the other wrist, shaking my head as I whispored that small, yet so effective word.
"No, no, no, no, no, no..."
I think Lin got the hint, because he grabbed my arm - and didn't let me go. Even though I tried to get away.
You need to scratch. Just make it bleed.
The sound was back.
"Rue? Let's get you to the car. Let's go home", he softly said. He snappad me out of it.
I nodded. Feeling my tears rolling down my cheeks.
Just like that I snapped back into my state of nothingness.
How could a control freak like me suddenly lose control?
Because as a matter of fact, I snapped into pure darkness as I lost sense of reality.