Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

43. To be: stuck

That next day, I was up at 5. With barely a minute of sleep, I sat up. Sweat running down my forehead as I tried to catch my breath, feeling as if something was stuck in my throat - making me unable to breath.
My panic grew instantly, not only by the traumatising pictures that had haunted me through the night, but also because I couldn't stop fidgeting.
All I could hear was my heart beat increasing, and me gasping for air.
One gasp, one tenth of air. One gasp, and a flashback swooshed past my mind.

The many times Ansel pressed me against the wall, leaving bruises on my back and arms because of his tight grip and nails digging into my skin, as I would tap through it all and repress reality away from me.
I could feel his fists hitting me, all over again.

I gasped, making me sound like I was screaming under water. Like water was stuck in my throat, making me feel stuck as everything went by in slow motion in front of me.
I couldn't breath.
Tap, you idiot. Tap and you won't die.
The seconds passed even slower than before.

When I didn't finish in time, mr Lovell threw me on to the glass cupboard, the smashed glass cutting threw my arm which scattered it.

By now, I pressed myself against the wall; somehow getting comfort from it.

I think I was screaming. I really didn't want to. It was like I was stuck in a nightmare, stuck where I was and I couldn't get out. Like an impossible escape room in my mind.

My head pointed downwards, as my right hand was placed right on the middle of my chest as I would tap at the speed of my pulse.
I glanced from the lamp, to the ceiling, to the wardrobe, to the door, to the palm of my left hand that my fingers kept tapping and back.
Lamp, ceiling, wardrobe, door & palm.
I quickly renamed the spots to look in my head to keep myself counting and focused.
1, 2, 3, 4 & 5.
Five. It must be seven. Or 4. I can't take any of them away.
I added the rug. And the picture of myself, Vanessa & Lin, smiling our hearts out on New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve, the year before, Warren holding me down in the early hours of the 24 hours that were meant to celebrate the year that was passed. Instead, I was alone; jumpy from the fireworks, until they came. Pulling my hair, punishing me, as I felt Ansel's eyes staring at me, feeling them burn on the back of my head. I felt so small, the house felt so big. And I counted my way through it.

Just like now. The house felt so big and I felt so small.
Like my horrifying gasps and tries for breath, I was stuck in a routine.
As I looked at the wardrobe, someone cut my line, making me start over.
Just like lightning, the lights flicked, and I could see everything so clear.

Suddenly Vanessa faced me.
"Shhhh", she said, hectic as she seemed to panic at the sight of me. "Rue. Rue. Look at me. Look. Focus...", and she went quiet for a brief second. "Count with me. Start over whenever you want to, just count with me"
Trying to get as much oxygen as I could before
"O-okay", my voice, sounding like a whisper from someone who hadn't spoken in years, cracked.
She grabbed my arms, flipping the wrists upwards to do a quick check.
"One", Vanessa looked up, looking a bit revealed, as she waited for me to answer.
"One", I breathed.
"Two", she nodded towards me, as my head was pointed towards her, but my eyes going from side to side, from point 1 to 7.
"Rue. Two"
I let my eyes go from non-stop to still.
"Two", I echoed.

I became an echo for quite the while.
I don't know how many times I forced myself to start, and how Vanessa actually was determined to stick around.
She hugged me, so delicately, so tight just to make sure I was doing alright and that I was there - breathing, and aware of reality - not the thoughts in my mind. I kept weeping, crying in a subtle and panicky way - calmer than before.
"Y-you... you've got to up my dose. T-this, this ain't normal, I... I can't do this anymore", I mumbled, barely getting the words out there. "I'm just in your w-way..."
Thousands and thousands of thoughts and solutions from different perspectives was floating and popping around in my head, as all I wanted to do was tap.
"I can't do this", I put words into the only thing I wanted during this moment.
"Rue, come back to sleep now", Vanessa calmly told me. She squeezed me tight, holding me for a few more minutes until my crying had gone a bit more silent.