Reckless // Matthew Espinosa

Chapter 20

It was the next morning. Matt stayed the night. Not because I asked him to, but because he wanted to. He didn't want to leave me alone. I guess I was okay with that. I didn't really want to be alone either.

I woke up with him, wakings up seconds after me. I stretched and he did the same. I extended my arms and legs out, almost looking like a starfish."Good morning Zoe." He smiled, placing his hand on my lower stomach. His hand was pressing down on my scars. "Shit." I mumbled, wincing.

"Zoe? Are you alright?" He asked, with concern written all over his face. "Yeah." I nodded, getting up. He grabbed hold of my wrist and pulled me back down. At the pool I placed band aides on my cuts. And the water eased the pain, so it didn't hurt when Matt touched them unknowingly. At the pool my cuts weren't fresh. This time I didn't cover them. "Why did you wince Zoe?" Matt said quietly. I had no answer ready for him. "Answer me Zoe." He said louder.

"Its nothing. I'm on that monthly thing that girls have." I tried to joke around with him. He wasn't in the mood. "Zoe." His voice came out in almost a whisper. I bit my lip, holding back my tears. He knew that something was wrong when I bit my lip.

"Zoe, show me your stomach." He quietly spoke. I lifted my shirt slightly. It revealed scars scattered around my lower stomach. There some faded cuts, but others were fresh. "Zoe." He covered his mouth.

Matt looked terrified. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He gently, ran his finger over my faded scar. "Why are you doing this to yourself?" He choked on his words. I bursted into tears, holding my head in my hands.

"Can't you see Matt? I hate myself. I hate myself more than anyone else. Just look at me." I sobbed. He pulled my shirt down. He couldn't find his words. It was like they were ripped out of his mouth. He just hugged me as tight as he could. And as for me, I cried into his shoulder.

"Look at me." He held my face. I sniffled. My eyes met his. "You are beautiful, absolutely beautiful." He let a tear roll down his cheek. "And to see that you hurt yourself, breaks me. Zoe, you are my weakness. When something happens to you, my whole world comes crashing down. If your not okay, then how will I be okay?" His eyes were red and puffy.

No one had said something so nice to me. No one ever. I didn't know that I meant this much to someone. I didn't know. I never knew what it was like to feel important until he made me realize it.

"I'm sorry." I wiped my eyes, trying to stop anymore tears. "Stop for me. Try to stop. If you can't, call me. I will be at your house in a heartbeat. I can't loose you. You are special to me. You're something that no one else can have. You're one of a kind. Your different. A good different. I can't promise you that things will be okay, but as long as I'm here, I will try and make your life better."  He looked me in the eyes.

I couldn't promise him that I would permanently stop. Once you start cutting, you can't just stop. Its addictive. But I could try to stop. With him being the reason why, I could try.

I smiled, with Matt wiping my tears with his thumbs. I did the same to him. I had never seen him cry, let alone break down into sobs. This showed how much he cared. This showed that he wasn't just feeling bad for me.

"You're my favorite person in the world." He kissed my cheek. He walked me downstairs to get breakfast. "You're my favorite person too." I smiled.

After the emotional morning and "feel better" breakfast, he brought me back upstairs. "Get me all of your blades." He demanded. I grabbed them all from multiple hiding places. "Flush them down the toilet." He looked at me and then the toilet. I was reluctant. My hand shook as I slowly dropped them in. Matt gestured for me to flush the toilet. I did. And I felt proud. Even though this was forced, I felt proud of myself knowing this was for the best.